The Jealous Girlfriend

Like her male counterpart, the Jealous Girlfriend finds herself consumed with elaborately constructed fears regarding her partner’s potential betrayal whenever her partner is not in her visual proximity. To a well-adjusted person, the amount of energy the Jealous Girlfriend expends on such preoccupations most likely appears irrational and insane. One might even venture to say that the Jealous Girlfriend’s worries regarding betrayal approach the level of fantasy, as if she actually – for some reason – desired an instance of betrayal on her partner’s behalf. Most likely to be observed going through her partner’s email account, going through her partner’s text messages, repeatedly text messaging her partner when s/he’s out with friends, and ‘forcing’ her partner to come home early from social events because she is unable to handle the ongoing threat represented by her partner as an individual among other individuals gathered for the purpose of having fun, the Jealous Girlfriend’s issues with betrayal stem from a genuine mistrust of loved ones and a fickle definition of love.

• Most likely to be spotted at: At home, digitally stalking her partner
• Favorite drink: Whiskey to fuel the rage
• Favorite website: Facebook, Twitter, and Gmail chat, for their ability to help monitor her partner

The Party Girlfriend

Perhaps one of the most elusive types of girlfriends there are, the Party Girlfriend is not well-suited for relationships, and instead is mostly concerned with being around her friends, going to every music festival whose tickets she can get her little hands on, never missing the show when her favorite band comes into town, and, well, partying. Much to the dismay and frustration of the unfortunate lovers who attempt to tie the Party Girlfriend down into a real relationship, The Party Girlfriend’s clear priority is her set of platonic friends. As such, she’s most often seen texting them while out to dinner with said romantic interest, out to brunch with her friends while said romantic interest sulks at home, or dancing to Ratatat at her best friend’s house party. The Party Girlfriend’s relationships tend not to be relationships at all, but short, passionate flings that act as a sort of sugar-coating for nights at relevant house parties and dive bars. Admittedly, the Party Girlfriend is somewhat of an oxymoron, because as soon as she becomes a “real” girlfriend, keeping partying/ friends as her #1 priority becomes implausible. It is at this juncture that The Party Girlfriend ceases to be a Party Girlfriend and moves on to one of the other types here listed.

• Most likely to be spotted at: A house party, her arm around her two best friends, drink in hand, singing
• Favorite drink: Cheap beer by the bottle
• Favorite website: lastnightsparty, lastsnightstexts

The Stressed Out Girlfriend

The Stressed Out Girlfriend can be likened to the clown of the bunch, as she is most often observed losing her shit over life’s most minor hurdles. From a distance, this can be comical, but to those directly involved, it can be a nightmare. What characterizes the events and situations that the Stressed Out Girlfriend gets stressed out about is that they’re generally meaningless obstacles that appear as the result of no person’s will or wish. For example, we are most likely to see the Stressed Out Girlfriend becoming loudly upset at the occurrence of forgetting her keys and having to ask her apartment manager for them, saying “I’m just upset, okay?! I’m just fucking upset, why can’t I be upset?! Jesus fuck, I can’t do this, I can’t go talk to him, I can’t!” Further examples of the Stressed Out Girlfriend reacting with an inordinate amount of intensity include: misplacing her cell phone charger and hearing the “BEEP BEEP” sound her phone emits to indicate that the battery is running low, missing a bus, and forgetting to bring her water bottle on a shopping day with her partner. Indeed, events such as these are simply happenstance, and for this, the Stressed Out Girlfriend induces a sort of torture on her partner in which her partner must either become upset with her for becoming upset with reality (this is not advised), or humor her and attempt to calmly mitigate the situation.

• Most likely to be spotted at: On the curb outside her apartment, having a near emotional breakdown on the phone with her partner because she locked herself out again
• Favorite drink: A glass of wine in the bath tub
• Favorite website: She forgot her password to her Windows account and is currently unable to get online (don’t bring it up, though – she might freak)