Different Types of Boyfriends There Are

The Jealous Boyfriend

The Jealous Boyfriend does not understand the concept of trust when it comes to the possibility of anyone – even his most trusted friend – ‘boning’ his girlfriend or becoming a confidant who will turn his girlfriend irrevocably against him. Why anyone, especially a friend, would attempt to turn the Jealous Boyfriend’s girlfriend against him appears initially as a mystery, but if we look rationally and work with the facts we have, we can easily see that the situation occurs simply because Jealous Boyfriend’s worldview is one in which people are not to be trusted and “love” is a somewhat superficial concept (in that it can’t stand up to conniving individuals). When in public, the Jealous Boyfriend is constantly on edge, detecting the slightest glance from passersby in his girlfriend’s general direction. What fuels the Jealous Boyfriend’s extreme jealousy is not hunger for control or power, but a worldview that places little faith in love and loved ones, coupled with an extreme level of insecurity regarding his own social and relationship stature.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: A club that requires a dress code
  • Favorite drink: Bud Light, Jägermeister, Jäger bombs, any alcoholic drink with “bomb” in its name, Four Loko, or Monster Energy Drink
  • Favorite website: An online poker site, Yahoo! News, or College Humor

The Insecure Boyfriend

The Insecure Boyfriend may be jealous, but unlike the characteristically Jealous Boyfriend, the Insecure Boyfriend’s insecurity is ultimately of a more narcissistic and self-obsessed manner. While outward displays of masculinity, affability, confidence and power may be a regular part of the Insecure Boyfriend’s behavioral repertoire, the Insecure Boyfriend in fact has low self-confidence and extremely low self-esteem, both of which aggregate to produce a constant, needy second-guessing of his girlfriend’s love and loyalty to him and the belief that if she cheats on him he will have “deserved it” or it will have “made sense.” Additional typical behavior associated with the Insecure Boyfriend includes: worrying incessantly about response time between phone calls, voicemails, text messages, emails, or IMs and a tendency toward indecisiveness and statements such as “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” and “Whatever you want is fine, I don’t care.”

  • Most likely to be spotted at:A neighborhood bar or alone in his room in front of his laptop
  • Favorite drink: Any hard alcohol, which is had in excess upon each instance of feeling completely abandoned by his partner
  • Favorite website:Gmail, for its chat feature, and Facebook, both of which enable him to digitally cling to his partner

The Flaccid Boyfriend

The Flaccid Boyfriend shares many attributes with the Insecure Boyfriend, yet is unique in that he is so accommodating to his partner so as to appear as having no personality whatsoever. Rather, the Flaccid Boyfriend appears simply as an extension of his partner’s persona and will, and is most likely to find himself in a relationship with an individual who has a dominant personality and is accustomed to maintaining control, structure and order in their own relationships. The Flaccid Boyfriend is most likely seen engaging in a number of the following behaviors: running “errands” for his partner while his partner goes out with friends, plays video games, or otherwise uses time in such a manner that making someone else run errands seems more like an “abuse” than a necessity, making unusual sacrifices for his partner’s happiness that do not appear to be in any way reciprocated by his partner, and/or neglecting the friends he had before his relationship. People who were friends with the Flaccid Boyfriend before the Flaccid Boyfriend engaged in a relationship with his partner will be severely disappointed and most likely baffled by the transformation that the Flaccid Boyfriend underwent; he is no longer even recognizable or relatable, as he exists solely for his partner, and not in any sense himself.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: The post office, the grocery store, the laundromat, or in a car, driving somewhere to pick something up or otherwise execute some other agenda that is entirely his partner’s
  • Favorite drink: Whatever his partner’s drinking
  • Favorite website: Porn when his partner’s out drinking with his/her friends

The Jerk Boyfriend

Like the Insecure Boyfriend, The Jerk Boyfriend is obsessed with himself. However, the Jerk Boyfriend is unique here because he maintains an impression of himself so grand and one-sided that it can not be said to reflect reality except by his friends, who are either at the same level of delusion as him or are simply his Yes Men. The Jerk Boyfriend seems to feed off of others’ pain and is perhaps an emotionally needy individual, but what he craves most is validation for his ego. The Jerk Boyfriend is often thought of as the most successful and respectable of the different types of boyfriends there are, and this may be the case because the Jerk Boyfriend appears to maintain his sense of self at all costs; his ego, persona and fuel for these entities are indeed more important to him than his partner or the health of his relationship.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: The most relevant dive bar or house party
  • Favorite drink: Inexpensive beer
  • Favorite website: You don’t know? Pfffff.

The Reasonable Boyfriend

The Reasonable Boyfriend is perhaps the boyfriend most open and willing to discuss – at a level that assumes equality, self-worth, respect and a conscious recognition of the value of maintaining a relationship in which both parties feel comfortable – relationship issues without becoming defensive, irrationally angry or abusive. While this sounds good on paper, it can be the case that The Reasonable Boyfriend is not as emotionally available as the others in this list. Others in this list are apt to love hard; to love in a blind and non-strategic and all-or-nothing way; to not be aware of the future and what it might hold and as such fall intensely and recklessly and without precedent. The Reasonable Boyfriend, because of his nature, is perhaps unable to achieve this level of intensity, and is instead apt to seek compromise, endlessly, relying on logic instead emotion, navigating emotional issues with rationalism, and making up excuses for the loss of passion and immediacy that seasoned relationships so often experience.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: Out to dinner with his partner, at a neighborhood bar with his friends, or at a party with his partner and his friends
  • Favorite drink: Cocktails?
  • Favorite websites: Reddit, New York Times, NYMag TC mark
image – Mad Men


More From Thought Catalog

  • Dustin Hoffman

    This *needs* a counterpart article.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

    The reasonable boyfriend is by far the worst. :/

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      • natural

        Because the “reasonable boyfriend” is just an uptown way of saying he's a bitch.

      • Brandon

        i would argue that the “flaccid boyfriend” is the more bitch-like of the two

  • AJordan

    This feels like I'm reading a slightly snarkier version of Cosmo. ugh.

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      mmm feeling

  • http://readywater.ca Readywater

    Shit, so that's what I've been doing wrong…

  • jo3pic

    Everything you say here is ultra-relatable to every relationship I've seen in college. Awesome fucking post.

  • http://Blommit.com Joey Camire

    Men are pigs?

    • deadlondon

      No. This article is just written in a way which negates the idea of the existence of complex personalities among men (the author probably hangs out with a lot of douchebags).

  • http://profiles.google.com/jo3pic Joseph Piccininni, Jr.

    You've hit every nail onto every head illustrating different boyfriends. The five types you elaborated on are the only types i've observed throughout my life. awesome fucking post.

  • Nico

    Goddamnit, I'm a reasonable girlfriend.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=82300483 Brandon Humphries

    Fuck, I'm the insecure boyfriend. Guess I wouldn't be insecure if I could find someone that was willing to be my actual boyfriend and not some bullshit “lets see where it goes and in 3 months I'll just completely disappear without a word” game.

  • http://disrespectfultone.blogspot.com/ Daniel Schealler

    Boyfriend and girlfriend are driving home from work late one evening.

    Boyfriend: “Crap, I just remembered, there's nothing in the fridge. What would you like for dinner tonight hun?”
    Girlfriend: “Hmm… I don't know. What do you feel like?”
    B: “We don't have a lot of time tonight and I'm feeling lazy. I'm keen for take-away. Indian would be nice – but I'm up for anything really.”
    G: “Hmm… But we need to save money, and Indian take-aways are fattening.”
    B: “That's fine, I'm not fussy. We can do something else if you like.”
    G: “But I don't know what I want. What do you want?”
    B: “I just told you what I want and you don't want that. We can do something else – whatever you want is fine by me.”
    G: “But we can't get your first choice. What else do you want?”
    B: “I don't really have anything else I feel like. Some other take-out I suppose – it's getting late and I don't really feel like cooking. But again, it's no biggie, we can cook if you want.”
    G: …
    G: “I'm sorry. We can get Indian.”
    B: “It's okay, there's nothing to be sorry about. We don't have to get Indian. Are you okay with Indian?”
    G: …
    G: “I guess.”
    B: *twitch*
    B: “Okay, Indian it is.”

    … car pulls up at the Indian take-out shop…

    G: “Actually, I think we should do grilled chicken and salad. I need to lose weight.”
    B: *twitch* “Okay. The corner store and the butcher are both open at the end of the street, we can just walk over.”
    G: “No, let's go to the supermarket – it's cheaper.”
    B: *twitch* (supermarket is in the opposite direction to the Indian take-out)
    B: “Okay, heading there now.”
    B: *turns car around, heads to the supermarket*

    … car pulls up at the supermarket…

    G: “I feel bad now.”
    B: “Why?”
    G: “Because you wanted Indian, and I made you come here.”
    B: “You didn't make me do anything, really. I don't mind. Indian was only a slight preference, I'm not craving it or anything.”
    G: “I still feel bad. Do you want to go and get Indian after all?”
    B: *twitch*
    B: *deep breath*
    B: “Look, it's fine. We're here now – let's just grab our groceries and head home.”
    G: “You're angry that we didn't go to Indian, aren't you?”
    B: “No, it's fine.”
    G: “You're angry, I can tell.”
    B: “I'm a bit frustrated yeah. But that's not because I wanted Indian and you didn't. It's because you keep changing your mind on me.”
    G: “I'm sorry.”
    B: “No, it's fine, I'm being a jerk. You're not doing anything wrong.”
    G: …
    G: “Let's just go get the Indian then. It's fine.”
    B: *big twitch*
    B: “Look, we always go through this, and we always get into a fight about it. I don't really care about what we have for dinner. I just don't want to get into a fight with you about it. We're here at the supermarket now, let's just get the food and go home. I don't want to fight with you about it.”
    G: “What do you mean, we always fight about dinner?”
    B: “We do this all the time. We come home from work tired and hungry and get into a fight over what to have for dinner. At least twice a week.”
    G: “No we don't.”
    B: …
    B: “You realize you're starting a fight over whether or not we get into fights, right?”
    G: *glares*
    G: “No I'm not. You are.”
    B: *twitch*
    B: “Okay. That's fine. I'm sorry. Can we just get our food and go home then?”
    G: (grudgingly) “Okay.”
    B: *sigh of relief*
    B: “Excellent.”

    … trolley contains items for dinner – our couple is next in line at the checkout…

    G: “You know, we can go get an Indian frozen dinner if you like.”
    B: *turns to see the person in front leaving – the couple is now next in line for the checkout*
    B: *twitch*
    B: …
    B: *thinks really hard about how this will inevitably go if he resists*
    G: “Hun, did you hear me?”
    B: (feigning ignorance) “Sorry, I was lost in thought. What did you say?”
    G: “We can go grab an Indian frozen dinner if you like.”
    B: “That's a really great idea babe. We can have the chicken tomorrow night.”

    … our couple leave to go get the Indian food, then re-queue – they're next in line again…

    G: “Actually, can we have the chicken and salad tonight? I'm going to the gym tomorrow so I'll feel less guilty about having Indian food then.”
    B: “Yep, that's fine.”
    G: “You're angry again, aren't you?”
    B: *starts laughing*
    G: “What? What's so funny?”
    B: “Nothing, don't worry. I'm just weird like that, remember?”
    G: “Well, can we have Indian tomorrow?”
    B: *still laughing* “No. I'm craving Indian food and furious at you for not letting me have it tonight.”
    G: “Pfft, no you're not. We're having the chicken.”
    B: “Alright then.”

    • xra

      sweet illustration of what never to do, this is attraction death

      better to just make her eat indian and be done w/ it

    • Joy

      TL; DNR

      • http://disrespectfultone.blogspot.com/ Daniel Schealler

        Literacy is a harsh mistress.

    • Meredith Fennessy

      this used to happen with me and my ex-boyfriend CONSTANTLY. literally the worst. nicely done. 

    • Anonymous

      This would drive me absolutely insane.

  • Masha Sun

    What kind of boyfriend are you Brandon.

  • MJ

    I just realized my bf is the reasonable boyfriend. Shit.

  • Gregory

    the reasonable boyfriend probably reads thought catalog as well

  • http://twitter.com/ohfaith Faith Wright

    I'm a girl who is the insecure boyfriend trying to be the reasonable boyfriend. damn.

  • greg

    The reasonable boyfriend probably reads thought catalog as well

  • Konradz

    Your article does not clearly express the different modalities you use to create your categories. They appear even more unclear as we keep reading, especially as we end up with FIVE (odd number) types, which would imply you only used one broad… sort of… modality.
    I deduce from this that your categories are poorly formed.

  • http://www.women-girls.com flemo

    It’s always been the case.

  • Byaaaaahhhh

    my boyfriend talks to me, actually talks. even through texts i get paragraphs. and its not all about him. and he kisses and cuddles me. he is the best boyfriend, ever. annnnd…he’s a mechanic ;D

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    uh, i think thats pretty much ONE guy you described. amirite?

  • gueston

    I am number two right now but I usually change to the reasonable one later on

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