If you don’t understand my problems – I’m happy for you. I really am.
I’m so happy you’ve never wanted to die. You want to live. I’m happy that the thought doesn’t cross your mind every day, even when you’re having what feels like the best day of your life. That’s when it hurts the most, honestly. I’m glad you could never fathom how I can think about dying but so desperately want to keep living at the same time. You think it’s selfish, that I’m not thinking about anyone else. I guess I can see why you think that, but trust me I’ve thought about them.
Please, don’t assume that because I’m still alive this isn’t real.
If you’ve never stared at your body for hours in the mirror and clawed at every imperfection that you can find, that’s so wonderful. You should love yourself. I hope you do.
But please, Just know I can see flaws in everything I am and everything I do. I’m not fishing for compliments or being dramatic. This is actually what I think.
I’m so happy that you’ve never wanted so badly to hurt yourself, for no other real reason than just to feel something. Or because you’d convinced yourself to deserved to hurt.
But please, know this isn’t a cry for attention. Don’t draw attention to any marks you see on my body.
I’m happy that you don’t need to disappear for days on end after you’ve spoken to people. That it doesn’t make you feel sick when you have to go outside sometimes.
But please, don’t think I’m being rude. I’m just exhausted, it takes a lot for me to face people sometimes. I feel physically sick and tired, not just mentally.
I’m happy you don’t sabotage everything you do. That you’re not waiting for every person you know to betray you or hurt you. For everything to go wrong all over again. I’m glad you know how it feels to trust somebody, to love somebody.
But please know, I don’t want things to be this way. It’s nothing you’ve done, but it’s hard for me to believe anything good can happen.
I’m even happy you don’t understand why I need to write things like this for everybody to see. Why it’s so important that we as a society are aware of the countless invisible illnesses and problems that anybody could be dealing with under the surface.
So no, I’m not disappointed you don’t understand how I feel. I hope you never do. I wish that I didn’t understand how this felt either.
But just remember, just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just be kind.