I’ve seen the way you look at me.
I know it isn’t an accident.
I know everything about this is wrong. I don’t know why my head tries to play games with me. I think I like lying to myself so I can try to convince myself that I am not the one at fault for this.
But any relationship involves two people. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t dying to be one of them.
I don’t know what it is about you that captivates me so much. I think it is the touch of the forbidden that draws me in. The game we play of lingering looks and half-smiles. The way you almost touched my hand when we walked down the stairs. The fact that I can’t pretend I haven’t noticed the days you wear a ring and then the days when you don’t.
You would think that someone who has been hurt like this would never be the one to hurt someone else. But maybe I am not as good of a person as I portray myself to be. Maybe it is true that you attract whatever it is that you put out into the universe. Maybe I keep getting hurt because at my core, all I really want is to leave.
I don’t want commitment because I’m afraid of growing so attached to someone only to have them leave me in the end. If you never grow attached, you can never have your heart broken because you never even cared in the first place. Except, I always care. I care so much that I confuse myself about what it truly is that I want out of any of this.
Do I want the happy spouse and white picket fence? Or do I want the adventure and the chance to leave before I am left?
I know the odds of someone like you committing to someone like me do not fall in my favor, so maybe then that is exactly why I have fallen for you. Because deep down, I know I can never actually have you. I might have you, but you will never actually be mine.
And I think not belonging to anyone or anything is all I have ever wanted.
You might be all that I have ever wanted.
So tell me, do you want me, too?