Sometimes at night, I put on beautiful lingerie even though I am going to bed alone. Somewhere between the lace and the flowers, I find a space I can feel comfortable in. I savor a moment where for once maybe, I actually feel okay.
I am not worried about my body. I am not worried about the uncertainty of impending illness that I know I am destined for in my future. I am not thinking of my bills or the fact that I have to go to work tomorrow. And the next day. And the next, until the days become weeks and the weeks become years and all of a sudden, it is three years later, and you are standing in the same place. Immobile. Lost. And Lonely.
I’m terrible at being lonely.
I will draw people in only to push them away. It is like I crave the attention, but I fear the affection, and I haven’t learned how to deal with that yet. I am a walking contradiction, but maybe I’m the only one who sees it. Maybe I am the only one who sees me.
Sometimes I wonder if it is better that way. To be invisible is to be able to do as you please without the judgement of the world following your every move. To be invisible is to follow your passion, regardless of the self-doubt because as far as the world is concerned, you are your only competition.
But your life is not a competition, and no matter how we choose to spend our days, we are all met with the same prize at the end.
This isn’t a competition, but I would do anything to win you back.
But unfortunately, I think that no matter how hard I try to get you back, I never will. I know this life isn’t a competition, but the day you left is the day that I know that I lost.
I lost the closest thing to true love I have ever had, and now the closest I can get to how you made me feel is the way this light layer of fabric helps me escape from the trials of the day, even if it is only for one short moment.
Maybe I wear it because I have finally found something more complicated than you to wear on my skin. Each piece is unique, and each pattern exquisite.
I swear I loved every part of you. Even though I would never admit it.
And the best part of all of this is that I am the one who chooses when it stays and when it goes. I wake up in the morning and shed my evening skin, knowing that it will be there for me when I need it again.
I have been needing you since then.
But deep down I know,
None of this is up to me.
You may have left me, but it is like
No matter what I do, I cannot remove you.
You are the tear in the fabric that caused me to fray.