Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
-Jack Nicholson from As Good As It Gets
Oh if only it was that simple! Reason and accountability are not the only TWO reasons why men and women are different. There are in fact, a myriad of reasons, depending on how you want to SOUND to people. If you want to be PC about it, the biological difference is the 23rd sex chromosome. You get an X from mom and an X or Y from dad. If you get the X you’re a girl. if you get the Y, you’re a boy. THAT IS IT. A letter.
If you want to sound obvious, another reason why men and women are different is the fact that being a woman is more difficult than being a man.
And here are 4 Reasons Why Being A Woman Is More Difficult Than Being A Man:
1. Women have to give birth
I think the most painful physical experience I’ve ever had was getting my big toenail taken off my toe. The whole thing. While playing baseball, I hit a foul ball off my big toe. Over three days the big toenail started turning REALLY red and the toenail started to fall off. My eagle scout friend said we should just rip the whole nail off, so he took a knife and cut it off. Amazingly, it grew back. But initially, it was disgusting, especially because we were at a beach when he did this, and sand got all over my bloody, nailless toe, and the sand was embedded in the meat for a few days molding into one disgusting entity.
That was pretty graphic but the amount of physical pain I can experience pales in comparison to giving birth. Long hours of breathing and laboring and pushing and screaming and holding to shit…seems slightly uncomfortable.
2. Women have to deal with men
In the “choose your mate game”, the man’s goal is to GET the woman. A woman’s goal is determining whether the guy that is chasing her is worth her while. There’s this constant in and out and push and pull of attention, and women have to figure out if he’s a douche or a keeper or whatever she wants. I don’t know if she knows what she wants though.
3. Women don’t know what they want
You THINK you know what you want, but what you mean is you FEEL what you want. Women are more emotional and men more logical (I should cite this so I don’t get killed) so I think men try to think and create mental powerpoint presentations with bullet points and pie charts while women have feelings so it’s more complicated than that. It’s always more complicated. Nothing is wrong means EVERYTHING IS WRONG, right?
4. Time frame
If you want to have kids, you have less time to make up your mind. If you want to give birth, you better make up your mind quick and deal with men!
But the main difference between men and women is THE GOAL. Dave Chappelle elucidated the difference between a man’s goal and a woman’s goal in one of his routines, Killin Them Softly:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwJVh1BzrUY&w=584&h=390]“A woman’s test in life is material. A man’s test in life is a woman.
Now by test, I mean that those are the things that we desire. Men have nice cars– not cause they like nice cars– because they know women like nice cars.
That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says:
“Ooh, nice Porsche.”
That’s how it is.
That’s true. come on now. You go to a woman’s house, her house will be comfortable as shit. Women love comfortable surroundings, so men get comfortable surroundings.
Let me tell you something: if a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t buy a house.”
So according to Dave Chappelle, my goal in life should be calling up my friend Randy to scream at him, “Yo Randy, I don’t need to buy a house!”