Above All Else, I Hope You Choose These Things

Thanks For Making Me Realize I Deserve A Hell Of A Lot Better

To the asshole to took everything from me:

I spent so much time being angry and hurt over the last few months that I never thought I’d be able to look back on that hurt and wonder why. I’m not questioning why you did what you did, because there’s never really a reason for something like that. I’m questioning why you tried to break someone who did everything for you. I’m questioning why you tried to break me. I’m questioning why after six years of vacations, graduating college, losing a parent and standing by me through it, and all of the other crazy shit that we had been through that you decided hurting me was a good idea. After reflecting on everything, I know that I simply fell in love with the wrong person. You had your moments that really made me think that you had changed and we were better, but that was never actually the case. Six years later, you were still that 20-year-old boy I started dating who didn’t have a care in the world.

We were planning our future together. We almost bought a house. We talked about kids and marriage and the kind of lives we wanted together. Was I talking to myself? Was it just me that wanted all of that with you? I know that wasn’t the case because even when we broke up, I asked. You told me that you were happy, that you did love me, that you did want all of those things with me, and that maybe in the future we could. But, in the end, you ruined it.

After the breakup, I felt like my whole world had come crashing down. I’m looking back at who I was and who I am now and I finally feel like I’ve taken a lot of myself back. I’m finally starting to feel like me. You pushed me over the edge. I began drinking excessively, sleeping with whomever, and neglecting myself and the hurt I was going through because of you. I’m no longer that person. I’m better now. Thank you for taking what you did from me because it taught me to be stronger. It taught me to fight for something other than you. It taught me that I matter.

To the countless one-night stands/hookups:

First, thank you to all of you for being there during a dark time for me. Thank you for allowing me to use you so that I didn’t have to be alone. Thank you for numbing the pain for the moment. I’m sorry you didn’t realize what it was at the time. I’m sorry you didn’t realize that I was using you at that moment. I needed that. I needed a momentary wild phase so that I could figure out who I was.

I’m sorry most of you ruined that time. A lot of you were friends of mine that I had known for a very long time. Some of you were new and others felt as though I was digging into the recycling bin because we had already been intimate in the past. Some of you became too much. You began looking for something that I wasn’t ready to offer. You began trying to control me. You tried to tell me when I had enough to drink. You tried to tell me I was making a mistake when I was giving another guy attention that wasn’t you. You tried to take me home when I’d had too much to drink when I wasn’t ready to go home. You knew there was something wrong. You knew I was going through something. A lot of you knew the asshole referenced above because you were friends with him too. You knew, but you still thought you could change me.

I wasn’t ready to be changed. You ended up ruining it. You ended up ruining the moments that I needed with you to help me overcome the things I was going through. I’m glad you did. I’m glad you all did. It made me see the bigger picture. It made me see that so many other men are able to see the hurt I’m going through and still find me obtainable. You made me realize I wasn’t damaged goods, just confused. You made me realize that this was all just temporary and that I would be me again.

To the guy who made me realize I had moved on:

It started off out of the blue. I knew you, but I didn’t really know you. You began with wanting to “wine and dine” me and I never thought I’d be ready for anything like that. I was looking to keep things casual and see what could happen. I had already had a wild summer, but I never knew you would be the wildest thing of all. It started in the summer and it has leaked into what is now fall. I didn’t need you, but I was happy to have you. You looked at me in a way that the previous guys had, but I didn’t want them too. You got my sarcasm, sassiness, and sometimes just rude behavior. It was like I could finally be myself. We laid in the bed of your truck and talked for hours. We spent countless nights together and the best part of waking up was knowing I was going to get that kiss goodbye. You walked me to the door, every time. You told me to text you when I got home, every time. You picked me up from a night out with my friends, every time. You changed the game. I stopped using other guys. I stopped giving any of them the time of day.

And then you ruined it. You said you weren’t ready for a relationship and I expressed the same. Since then, things haven’t been the same. I’m still wildly attracted to you. We still talk every day. But there’s a big part that’s different. After those statements about neither of us being ready for a relationship, we decided to keep it casual. But nothing feels casual about this at all.

I’m not doing this much longer. I don’t deserve to. You ruined things for the time being, but you have the opportunity to fix them. You have the opportunity to take us back. You need to make that decision and make it fast. Thank you for making me realize that I was ready to move on. Thank you for making me realize that I would eventually want someone to look at me like that again. Thank you for making me realize that I did deserve a whole hell of a lot better than what I’ve had. Thank you for changing the game. TC mark

About the author

Ashley Spargo

Indiana University. B.A. English.