The tears, the pain, the constant ache my heart has felt the past couple of months has me trying to remember why I even bother trying.
Truth is, our relationship is so clouded by negativity and darkness and I wonder why I put myself through it and the answer is simple… love. I love you and I knew it from the moment my name came out of your mouth that I was yours and now, that doesn’t sound as amazing as it used to.
I remember when even the thought of you could bring all the butterflies in my stomach to a raging flutter and I remember feeling as if my heart was beating so fast that it could jump out of my chest, and now I feel overtaken with sadness.
I think a big part of me still loves you because I thought you were my future and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with a different outcome.
My favorite moments used to be comprised of all the times you made me feel special and it seems as though I can’t find any of those memories anymore. The way I used to. The only things I remember are the times you’ve made me feel inferior or small.
I’m trying to remember why I even bother and I think it’s because I know you have the ability to love me the way I deserved to be loved.
That’s also what pains me most to know.
I want nothing more than for you to make me feel the way you used to. I remember feeling more infinite than stars do. You made me feel beautiful and important. You made it seem as though you needed me just as much as I needed you and I wish I knew where those thoughts and feelings went.
I constantly have to remind myself why I try, but, to be completely honest, I’ve run out of good reasons.