I Am Scared Of Good Things

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I am scared of good things because bad things feel more relatable. If I post about being depressed, there’s a retweet. There’s an understanding. There’s a nodding head. A same. A she gets it. 

If I write about the good things, someone says I am lucky. Someone says I have been dealt a good card. Someone laughs. Someone reads my positivity and waits for the avalanche. For the good to decay.

Maybe this is all me. Maybe I am obsessed with thinking people think about me when I’m not even a passing thought. Maybe this is my toxic combo of self-loathing and narcissism. (Yes, gentle viewers, that’s a thing!)

I am scared of good things because good things do not last. And I know this. And I am trying to make peace with it. I do yoga, or whatever. I imagine someone making fun of the fact that I just said, “I do yoga.” That’s okay though.

Bad makes sense to me. Bad feels more human. Good followed by good followed by more good is foreign. How do I process it? And am I ungrateful for being scared?

I told my mom I have a deep-seated fear that people look at me, look at things that have happened in my life, and either a) don’t get it or b) are mad.

Why me? is a sentence I think a lot. But I think it about the good. When opportunities appear. When people hand me golden apples and I’m not sure I even deserve a seed.

I am scared of good things because I don’t want to celebrate without my dad.

I don’t want to admit life can still be good if he’s not here. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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Instagram Poet’s “3-Step Book” To Conquer Trauma

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. PTSD is real. ALL mental illnesses are real. Don’t believe anyone who is trying to tell you otherwise.

Every time I’m stressed I distract myself with doing something nice for someone else and it’s the best thing on this planet to watch someone’s eyes light up because they weren’t expecting something nice to happen.

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