1. People toss the word “tease” around with a disgusting ease. Okay, I mean, this should so go without saying, but calling someone a tease is not chill. It’s never chill. Because it lends to this mentality that someone owes you something. No joke, New Zealand parody band Flight Of The Conchords summed it up quite nicely with their song “A Kiss Is Not A Contract.” Because it’s not. And when you’re not even TRYING to flirt and then have this label thrown your way? It’s enough to make you wanna crawl inside and seriously not socialize for a while.
2. Nobody believes you when you say you suck at flirting. “No seriously, I have no idea how to flirt.” *cue snide laughter* Of course you can hold conversations with people you aren’t ACTIVELY trying to impress! When you meet someone you actually like? NOW WHAT?? HOW DO I SPEAK WORDS? HELP?
3. If you’re not in a relationship, you’re constantly cringing at the question, “How are you single?” This is also one of those things you should never say because, just. Ew. And how do you respond? Would you like a list of my issues? Here you go, enjoy!! I understand it’s intended to be a sweet thing, so the intent is nice, I’m not trying to take that away. But for some reason when you’re a friendly woman, it’s suddenly so confusing that you’d be single. Perhaps being friendly has literally nothing to do with finding someone you want to be in a relationship with. Shocking. I know.
4. If you are in a relationship, people sometimes seem a little judgy-wudgy towards you. As if you chatting up the nice dude at the party translates into you automatically cheating on your significant other.
5. Strangers continue to talk to you, even after you tried to end the conversation. Sure, we enjoyed some small talk and it was pleasant. But I went back to reading my book and put in my headphones. Please respect this universal sign that I’m trying to just do my thing in peace.
6. Friends have confessed romantic feelings and it’s the most awkward thing on the planet. We’ve all been there, and on both sides at some point. And it sucks for everyone involved. I kind of wish we could all wear signs that said exactly who we were into and EVERYTHING WOULD BE CLEAR FOR ONCE IN LIFE.
7. People think you flirt with literally everyone you come across. Bank teller. Teacher. Your friend’s dad. Homeless man. YOU WANT THEM ALL. Apparently smiling and chatting with people means you just wanna secretly bone them all, who would have known?!
8. People are unclear on your sexuality. Not that you ever owe anyone an explanation, ever. But people seriously don’t know your preferences. You’ve asked people to hang out before and they respond, “Oh, I’m actually *insert orientation that isn’t compatible with your own*” and you’re like, “Yeah, same. I wasn’t asking you on a date.”
9. Your confidence has been mistaken for cockiness. And now Rihanna’s song “Cockiness” is playing on loop in my head and I can’t stop, so please join me. I don’t want to be alone in this.
10. If you compliment someone, it somehow translates into you hitting on them. CAN’T I JUST SAY I LIKE YOUR SHIRT WITHOUT SOME HIDDEN MEANING!?!?!?!? Ok, ok. I’m calm. I’m good. Sorry you had to see that.
11. Good luck living with roommates of whatever gender you’re attracted to. Not because you’re going to fall for one of them. But because someone at some point will claim flirting. I JUST SAID I LIKE YOUR SHIRT!!!! I’m sorry, thought I calmed down. Really, I’m ok now.
12. You’ve said, “I was just trying to be nice!” way too often. You should embroider it on a pillow or something. Get T-shirts made.
13. “I WASN’T FLIRTING!” is your mantra. Your motto. The words that will be etched across your tombstone one day.
14. And hey, if you are flirting, so what? There’s a natural tendency for humans to flirt. But flirting doesn’t always equal sex, love, relationship, etc. It’s like Gary Busey — sometimes you just say things and they don’t mean much. And babe, that’s your prerogative.