The 10 Undeniable Stages Of Getting Wine Drunk

Bridesmaids
Bridesmaids

1. The “Not Planning On Getting Drunk”

You’ve just taken a delicate sip or two and are feeling classy and sophisticated, even if you’re only drinking 2 Buck Chuck. You’re pretty sure this is the picture of elegance and adult behavior, and feeling good about it. You aren’t pounding back shots and shouting, “LET’S GOOOO!” You’re so obviously beyond that.

2. The Refill

This is one of those, “Bartender, hit me!” moments, which I’ve never actually had, but always secretly dreamed of. But really, you’re just having a low-key night with friends, and someone says, “Want another glass?” Sure! It’s delicious, and when things taste good, why wouldn’t you want seconds? Fill ‘er up!

3. The Tingling

Alcohol, in any form, fills you with that warm, all-over sensation that, for whatever reason, I sort of picture being like a baby in utero. You’re just super content, kind of unaware of what’s totally going on, but down to kick it with this comforting toasty feeling.

4. The Full Buzz

Out of nowhere, those grapes full on hit you, but it turns into a moment of total self-denial. You’re not buzzed. Nahhhh, nope. This slight dizziness is just…um…due to altitude, or something. Not the wine though. Definitely not.

5. The Honesty Hour

Remember when you told everyone you were TOTALLY over your ex? Now comes the phase of wine drunk that discredits every white lie you’ve ever told. Ever. Even things nobody asked you to be honest about. It’s been 15 minutes, and you’re still giving your impromptu thesis pitch on why you actually like Selena Gomez as a singer, and how often you listen to her with your Spotify profile turned to private.

6. The “Okay, I’m Buzzed”

It’s sort of hard to not admit you’re feeling it after The Honesty Hour. At this point, even if you still didn’t believe you were intoxicated, it’s time to pull the “I have no control over what I’m saying now! LOLZ” card. It’s usually a very obvious comment like, “Wow, I’m feeling kind of tipsy.” Meanwhile, everyone you’re with is thinking, “Uh, kind of?”

7. The Sleepy Puppy

Someone has started placing sandbags on your eyeballs, and it is taking EVERYTHING in your power to fight and keep those suckers open. You’ve got them casually resting at half-mast, and that’s about as awake as you’re capable of looking at the moment.

8. The Delayed Response

Sleepy Puppy is seriously real, and while you’re struggling to keep from passing out in the bowl of guacamole in front of you, you miss that hilarious joke your friend just said. Everyone erupts into glorious laughter, and you realize, “Oh, wait. I should laugh too.” But this awkward, not-winning-you-an-Oscar performance chuckle comes 10-15 seconds after the rest of the giggling in the room has ceased. But you’re not drunk…remember.

9. The Drink More

You know what makes a lot of sense? Drinking through the tiredness phase with more of the substance that made you tired, am I right or am I riiiight?!? Because science.

10. The Hangover

Not too much longer after the Drink More phase, you will inevitably pass out and in the morning feel so refreshed and brand new! If refreshed and brand new means an elephant is using your head as a seat cushion as he sits on Disneyland’s Thunder Mountain Railroad. Pop a painkiller, drink your weight in water, and remember: this too shall pass. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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