This is my last letter to you.
I have never known a love like ours. It is probably the deepest love I have ever felt for anyone. It is also the most painful. I realize I dressed our relationship to be something that it wasn’t.
I understand I can’t expect you to change, I understand who you are. I don’t feel as though I am yours and I don’t think I really ever was. You had my heart 100 percent, so much so I gave up the idea of marriage and kids for you. I still would have, if things were different. I think our spiritual differences also play a role. I realize I scared you off from the beginning with my soulmate speech. I truly believed you were my soulmate and that you just didn’t know it yet. How psycho does that sound now? I honestly feel on a soul level that I have I have loved to the moon and back. I have so much love for you, but I know the kind of love I need and that I can give.
I even went so far to tell myself that this relationship was about showing me how to love unconditionally. And while I have for this long, I honestly feel as though I don’t mean that much to you to this day. The first three months of our relationship was amazing. I wish things could have been different. With what I know I deserve and what I am getting, it has resulted in me going to a very dark place, bringing out qualities that I never knew I had. I don’t know why I have been in denial about this for so long, and you probably know it but we are wrong for each other. We did have something, though.
You need a woman who can be so independent that you coexist in harmony. I unfortunately am not that person. I am so invested in the idea of finding my other half, not necessarily depending on them for my happiness, but being able to make them so happy they want nothing more than to return the favour. I have tried to reach out to you so many times. So much of me want’s to wait it out, till you come around. I honestly feel like you never will. I have tried so hard to believe that one day you will realize how much I love you, and will realize how much you love me too.
I honestly don’t know who you are on a soul level, or beneath the front that you have with everyone. God knows I wanted you to let me in. I have rendered myself powerless to you, so much so that I would constantly degrade myself and embarrass myself when all I wanted was your love and affection, or just to know how you feel only to be shot down at every attempt.
I know you will be ok. I can only hope that you felt something for me. That I brought you some happiness in the time we were together. I feel as though this is the best decision for us. You may be relieved, I don’t know. I am sorry that this wasn’t enough. I tried my best to make us work. It was just a balance we could not get right. I wish you all the happiness in the world. This is really hard for me. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you.
Please look after yourself, stay true to who you are, stay as driven and motivated. You inspired me so much to be better. I hope you draw nothing but strength in this to go on. Thank you for everything you have done for our relationship. It wasn’t all bad. You made me smile, fed me carrots in bed when I was hungry and new to Veganism, the first day we met you downloaded a song that I liked and sent it to me, walks on the golf course, trips to the gym, my silly attempts at communicating with birds at the bird park and the excitement of getting Buddy, even though we had him for five days. The cups of coffee we have shared, the watermelon, and the trips to the mall.
It wasn’t all bad, we had some good times. Thank you for that. This is hands down one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, because I love you. And it will take me a very long time till I can love someone as much as I love you. I don’t think I ever will.
It has been eight months since I wrote the above letter. We have officially called it quits, as a direct result of built up sadness and love induced hysteria. At first, I felt as though I had got what I wanted, to be free. Although inside it is a constant battle within. Constant rumination of past events have me analyzing practically every thought. Not the best frame of mind to be in when you start to feel anger, jealousy, and bitterness towards someone who lives a door down from you at the house share you have lived in for the past three years.
He seems completely fine. How do I separate myself from these emotions that bash me down each time I get up? I don’t know how many times I can pick myself up from this emotional turmoil I am going through. I realize that my insecurities have welcomed my worst fears. How does one build their self-confidence up when it has seen more strikes than a bowling alley?
This whole life experience has taught me that the only relationship I need to be in right now is with myself.