There are certain things couples do on social media that drive me bananas. Now, I think most of us can agree that these things are terrible: if you do any of these #sorrynotsorry.
1. Joint Facebook Accounts
“Look everyone! We’re so in sync that we like the same memes and post pictures of our kids and recipes and ‘like’ pictures of people getting engaged!” Okay, STOP IT. The rest of us are reading your posts and throwing up in our gosh damn mouths. It’s okay to be individuals in a relationship. I repeat, you don’t have to be the same person. And nothing screams, “I can’t trust you to have your own account” more than having a joint account. If you’re going to be annoying, stay out of my timeline and take up scrap booking or something.
2. Bed Selfies
“Look everyone! We have sex and by sex I mean- we make love! And we both look adorable in the morning and no, there’s no filter that’s the glow from our love.” We get it, you fuck. So do my dogs and there’s nothing magical about it. Congratulations on your missionary. May you be blessed with three kids that all have your original nose and fat ass.
3. Constant “I Love You’s”
Look everyone! I’m too lazy to spray paint an overpass or shout from a mountain (because then I’d have to leave the couch) so I’m commenting on your wall so you and the interwebz know I love you!” Dude, please stop validating your relationship with social media shout outs. We don’t need proof of your “glorious” relationship and “I love you” is not a unique sentiment. Please continue posting pictures of sloths like the rest of us.
4. Dirty Meme Tagging
“Look everyone! My lover and I are dirty and so taboo that we tag each other in dirty memes, even though my Nana sees them and asks me what ‘Doggy Style’ is!” Dude, I feel weird that I have to say this but- we don’t care about your sex life. For all I know, you guys are saving yourselves for Jesus and you only have ear sex. I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass. Keep that shit to yourself. I don’t want to picture you two weirdos bumping uglies. You’re going to ruin sex for me and that’s unacceptable.
5. Virtual Peeing On Your Territory
“Look everyone! I liked all of his/her pictures and I tag myself where his/her heart is and sometimes I comment and say ‘That’s my sexy man/woman!’ I do it because I’m so proud to be his/hers and because HE’S/SHE’s MINE AND NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE HIM/HER.”
Dude, no one wants them. If they did, he/she probable wouldn’t be yours and allow this embarrassing bullshit. Even if for some reason they do want your freakish boyfriend/girlfriend, be secure enough in your relationship to resist marking his entire profile with your scent. If he/she is dumb enough to cheat on you, let them go. Herpes never goes away, but he/she can.
6. Soul Mate Memes
“Look everyone! I’ve been in a relationship for 6 months so I want everyone to know that I’ve found the secret! This meme points out the shockingly obvious statement that you should find someone that treats you like a queen/king!”
Okay, I’m super glad you’ve found the shoe that fits but when you break up in two weeks please, oh please, delete this.
7. Shout Out Status
“Look everyone! I just wanted to tell you guys that my partner is the best thing since sliced bread and I will literally kill myself if we ever break up!”
If you post stuff like this, I can almost guarantee your co-dependent needy relationship will end. Please feel free to keep that dumb shit to yourself and stick to getting your partners name tattooed on your back (I definitely did that. I’m not proud but #yolo? My current boyfriend laughs at me so I guess that’s karma).
8. Jealousy Comments
“Look everyone! This attractive person commented on my partner’s picture so I’m going to make sure and insert myself into the convo so they know it’s not going to happen! I’m not jealous, I just want people to know that I agree with the compliment, I swear!”
Nothing is more pathetic than seeing someone reply to a compliment comment with, “I know right? He/She’s amazing. How do you know him/her?” Or a passive aggressive ‘like’.
You can claim you don’t know you’re being passive aggressive but everyone else knows what you’re trying to do and it’s sad as hell. That’s probably a hot cousin (we all have them) or a thirsty bitch/bro that does that to everyone.
9. Constant Pictures
“Look everyone! Aren’t we the cutest couple!? Don’t we do the funnest things?! Don’t you wish you were us?!”
We don’t want to see your goofy mugs on our timelines all the time. I get it, you are a fun couple! You don’t stay home and play video games and eat take out like the rest of us! But I don’t need to see you guys constantly to know what you look like. And more importantly- I don’t want to. You don’t need to prove to us that we’re fun. It seems more like you need to prove it to yourselves. We just scroll past you and look for videos of people falling down.
I know there are a million more but I’m getting irritable just thinking about them. I’m gonna go text my boyfriend and tell him I’m glad we’re not totally lame.