I woke up this morning shaking from nerves. I was so anxious I could barely see in front of me, and felt like I was going to throw up, but I knew that today was the day. I was going to send the email. And you’re going to judge me for what I did, but if you understood my relationship, you would forgive me. Let me tell my story.
I was with my boyfriend (Jordan) for almost three years. We were beyond in love, we did everything together. We would stay up all night talking about our dreams, our fears, and our hopes for the future. We were sure we were going to get married, or at least I was. I moved 300 miles to be with him after a year of doing semi-long distance. We lived together, and loved each other more than any other couple I knew. Everyone would ask me how we were so happy, and I would always just say “I don’t know,” because I didn’t. We just connected, on every level. When I took an extra job to help him finish his Master’s, I didn’t even think twice about it. And when I broke my leg on vacation, he took almost a full extra week off of work to stay with me and take care of me. Everything just came naturally, and it never felt like we were sacrificing. We just wanted to do things for each other. Things were perfect — at least, until last New Year’s.
He went on a trip with some of his guy friends for the holiday, and I thought nothing of it. We used to take vacations apart, and it was never a question of trust, because I knew he would be respectful, just like I was. They went off to a different city a few states over, and I planned a little thing in town with some girlfriends. No big deal. I heard they had gotten into a little trouble, maybe partied a little too hard, but we’re both pretty young. It didn’t strike me as anything unusual.
As soon as he came back, though, he was different. At first he was just a little sketchy about talking about the vacation, but soon it was getting more intense. He avoided me, and hid things from me, and seemed disinterested. He would spend all day on his computer or his phone, talking to someone, and avoiding me. When I would ask him what was wrong, he would snap at me, where he used to be totally calm. He would make up reasons to stay home when we were supposed to go out, and he would get back on the computer right away. Something had changed, and my worst fears were that it was another girl.
My worst fears were true.
When he was in the shower one day, I looked in his phone. It took me about two minutes to find the girl (he had labeled her “Dave,” I guess because he thought I wouldn’t click on a guy’s name). They had hundreds of messages. “I miss you,” “I want you,” “I can’t stop thinking about your body.” They sent pictures. She talked about me, and even made fun of me. She definitely knew he had someone, and maybe that was even part of why she wanted him so badly. She called me ugly, and asked when he was going to “dump the dead weight.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I thought I was going to vomit on the spot.
My heart felt like it dropped through my stomach, and as soon as he got out of the shower, we got into the biggest fight I’ve ever experienced in my life. I tried to be calm and wait for a better moment to talk to him, but I couldn’t keep my composure for that long. He told me all about how he was “depressed” and she was “helping him” get through the time when he was hunting through a job and I was paying most of the rent. He tried to make excuses. He told me he met her at the New Year’s party and he was just “drunk” and “things got out of hand” when he got back, but that he still loved me. He begged me to stay. But no matter how much I cried (and he cried), I knew it had to be over. I couldn’t even look at him.
I thought I was going to kill him, and I threatened to call the police if he stayed, so he ended up leaving to go sleep on his friend’s couch. About a month later, he had quit his job at a restaurant and moved… to the city where that girl lived. To live with her.
I knew I had to do something. He had defriended me on Facebook right away, but I had a girlfriend keep tabs on him. I noted when he went out of town, what he was doing, and what his girlfriend was doing. I bid my time, because I didn’t want her to think it was just me trying to get back at her for what she did. And it didn’t matter if she truly believed the details, it just mattered that I planted a doubt. And sure enough, my friend who is Facebook friends with her told me that she changed her relationship status not even a full hour after this conversation, and posted a status about how you can’t trust anyone.
You might think I’m evil. But I will sleep well tonight, for the first time in long time.