Welcome to 2014, where it’s all about image. Specifically, online image. The internet is where everyone thinks you are a glamorous supermodel with expensive shit. To let everyone know how beautiful and fancy we are, we take pictures of ourselves and upload them to social media platforms in hopes to gain approval from our peers. AKA Selfies!
Knowing how to take a good selfie is considered a professional skill at this point- Add it to your resume for extra points right under the worst “Narcissist.”
If taking a headshot, you should not use the front camera on your phone. Sure, you’ll be able to SEE what your doing, but your picture will come out grainy. It will be much better quality if you just flip your phone around and take it with the back camera. Position a mirror in front of yourself so you can still see the picture your taking, and now it will actually come out VISIBLE.
If taking a #MirrorSelfie, either camera is fine. We don’t need details. We just need the general idea of your shitty outfit. #OOTD
Natural lighting is obviously the best. Most people take advantage of this in their cars. I think cars are perfect selfie studios- You can use your back camera, still see what picture you are taking in the rearview mirror (you don’t need that for driving), and get natural lighting. Meant to be.
If you are in a room with not so good lighting, you can take a lamp and put it right in front of your face to recreate the sun. If you’re feeling scandalous, get a fan to recreate the wind in your hair.
Just don’t let anyone living with you catch you, psycho.
Lamps with yellow light bulbs tend to wash you out, blue/white light bulbs are flattering. Pink light bulbs are actually the MOST flattering in person, but I don’t find them to photograph well.
Whew. Okay so now that we have camera and lighting down, its time to…
3. SNAP AWAY
Okay, girls and boys. This is the part where you take fifty to ninety five pictures. Every five photos or so, let go of your breath and check your progress so far. Shitty, right? I feel you :( Keep snapping. After a half hour of that, it’s time to analyze these photos. Delete all of the ugly ones. You should be left with about four now. Six on a good day.
This is the hardest part. Choosing which picture you upload for all your insta/twitter/facebook fam to see. This is the difference between ten and fifty likes, people. If you’re not a real person online, then you’re not a person in real life! It’s do or die.
After spending a disgustingly large amount of time trying to figure out which one out of the five strikingly similar photos to upload, its time to choose your…
Nothing is worse then those girls who post selfies where all you see is two beady eyes and an outline of a mouth. Where the FUCK did your nose go?! Or your cheekbones?! Do you have any other face?? Everyone looks attractive when you literally take away their whole face and only leave blurry eyes and mouth…
Stop over-filtering. #WashedOutSelfie. Half of your face is blurred out in every single picture!! *insert crying smiling emoji* #PetPeeve
We all know what you’re doing. All we need to do is go to tagged pictures to see what you really look like… #NotLikeThat #Eek
On another note, I don’t know why I care so much about your selfies but I do.
So pick your filter and then pick your…
The only person who is allowed to post Instagram/Twitter/whatever selfies with no hashtags is #BEYONCE. Because she can generate followers in other ways like real talent.
But if you have no talent, you’re pretty boring in terms of worldly contribution, and have no sense of humor- can you at least for the love of god use HASHTAGS. There will be no other way for you to generate follower’s unless you appropriately hash tag your pictures. Nothing is more sad then under a hundred social media followers #AmIRight #GirlsBeLike #SelfieNation #NoFilter #NaturalBeauty
Any of the above are fine. Unless you’re trying to advertise the type of makeup/clothes you’re wearing because you’re insta famous. Then hashtag the specific brands, duh.
Finally, you made it. It literally took you all day to prepare this picture. Now cross your fingers that the likes will go into double digits, or else you might as well deactivate your account, my friend.
*Don’t be so serious. If every picture you upload has no goal (Like you’re not advertising your makeup, hair, boobs, etc.) and its just you pouting with your shitty face blurred out again, nobody wants to fucking see it. Why don’t you go hold a puppy once in awhile!?
*Make it scenic. Go take a picture of yourself in front of a beach, or a field of flowers, or maybe a goat farm. I don’t know. Why don’t you at least TRY to keep me interested.
*Moderate Yourself. If you posted a selfie yesterday, but took a great one today, maybe you should put it on hold until the weekend. Too many selfies and now everyone is just like “Oh, jeeeeez. This person is clogging my feed with their blurry face again. Defriend?”
I hope I helped you all. Now, snap away.