I’ve known I was a pedophile for years now.
It first showed up when I was 17 but I remember doing stuff to kids younger than me when I was around 7 maybe 8. They never said no they just let me.
As an adult I haven’t done anything to any child. My niece always acts in ways that she shouldn’t as a 7 year old and at times I imagine horrible things that I shouldn’t. I will never do anything to her. I adore her more than anything else in the world.
I have a girlfriend and she knows about this all of this and it makes her very sad. She says I’m obsessed with my niece but I don’t know. I don’t think pedophilia is a sexual orientation. I think that’s bullshit even though I am one.
I didn’t choose to be this way but I would never say its just like someone being heterosexual or homosexual. I don’t live everyday imaging horrible thoughts about children and I will never harm one. I don’t watch child pornography because I believe that is filthy. A child would never consent to such a thing.
I know this is rather long but I just wanted to get all of this out. I hate myself for being a pedophile.
I used to cut myself as a punishment. Now I eat stuff that I’m allergic to knowing that it hurts me. I’ve tried killing myself before but my brother walked in. My girlfriend also knows about my self-harm and gets furious and sad if I say I want to cut. I try to reason with her saying I deserve and she says that I don’t. That I’m strong for resisting my thoughts no matter how strong they may be sometimes.
She thinks god forgives me even though I don’t forgive myself.
I know this is a lot but I want to get it out.
Producer’s note: This article is excerpted from a deleted Reddit user’s account of their life.
image –Sara Björk