1. “Sexy pose” selfies.
It’s just so awkward. We imagine you in some incredibly contrived stance, snapping photo after photo of yourself until you get the one that is the perfect blend of “casual” and “sexual.” Like, who just sits in their room by themselves and bites their lip for their computer camera? Is that something that is meant to excite another human being? Your selfies are more than attractive without turning the sexuality aspect up to 11 — that just looks silly more than anything.
2. Fake tans.
Just because some people look nice with a little natural sun-kissed glow does not meant that you should shell out hundreds of dollars in beds or bottles of lotion in order to poorly imitate their skin tone. Fake tans look, well, fake, and there is nothing more unattractive than someone who is clearly trying incredibly hard to be something they’re not. (Not to mention the fact that fake tanner is liable to rub off on upholstery and generally leave an Oompa Loompa-tinged mess wherever the girl goes. And that shit is just gross.)
3. Caked-on face makeup.
I have really never gotten this one, because it literally does not fool anyone. It just makes you look weird and orange and like you have really thick, gooey skin. Why would anyone think that this is a good look? Some blemishes are fine, no one cares — imperfect skin is normal and makes you just a pretty human with flaws. Going for the “cyborg with a layer of paint” look is just never going to work out well, even if it’s “the right shade.”
4. Uncomfortable heels.
Not being able to walk in a pair of heels immediately takes away any element of sexiness they once possessed. There is absolutely nothing attractive about someone who is making herself suffer in the interest of looking a certain way. And if you can’t walk in heels, there are a million alternatives when it comes to attractive footwear that can look good with a ton of different outfits. Just please don’t do that crazy “I’m about to break my ankles walk.” It makes everyone scared and sad for you.
5. Crazy push-up bras.
It’s not just that it’s a disappointment when the bra is taken off (and trust me, it really is). It’s also that the whole idea of putting some false padding on your body to make other people convinced you look differently than you do is just a really strange concept. Like would I put a bunch of foam padding in the crotch of my tight pants and then walk around penis-first? I can’t even imagine an alternate universe where that would happen….
Twerking is something only a very few, select people can do, and do well. And none of those people are white teenage girls from Minnesota with thigh gaps. Just, no.
7. Heavy lipstick.
That shit just gets everywhere. It gets on your cup, on your teeth, on the little crinkles of skin around your lips (whatever those are?). It’s not so much that it’s not attractive (on some girls, it can be absolutely lovely). It’s just a look that works much better in theory than in practice, and generally rubs off in awkward ways by the end of the night, including all over the face of the person you were making out with in the corner of the bar.
8. Club dresses.
There is just something so hilarious about club dresses. They’re so tight, and awkward, and uncomfortable-looking, and strangely colored. When paired with heels she can barely walk in, it’s like some kind of sexual baby deer learning how to use its legs around the VIP section. And I don’t understand why you put yourself through this?? I don’t know what the goal of the club dress actually is, because it’s amongst the worst clothes you can possibly wear if you actually want to dance to the incredibly loud music that is playing. Could someone explain this to me, please?
Clits and navels and nipples and lips are perfect just the way they are! They are lovely, wonderful body parts! Why must we put scary metal through them to punish them? Is there really something sexy about a silver bar through someone’s genitals??? (For the record, I find all of this shit just as weird if not weirder on guys, so take that for what it’s worth.)
10. “Sexy” faces.
No need to make a “sexy” face. No need to eye-fuck. No need to lip bite, and roll the tongue over the teeth, and cock the head to the side to look seductively over the shoulder. You’re sexy already, even if you don’t realize it, and imitating the kinds of faces that get made in really cheap porn is not somehow going to transform you into a sexier human being. It’s just going to make all parties involved feel uncomfortable and like they have an enormous amount of pressure to “be sexy” on them. And let’s be honest, no one wants that.