A Field Guide To Flirting For The Socially Awkward

As we all know being single is a horrific affliction. It’s social leprosy, and it’s unacceptable of you — you single ogre. If you emerge from whatever bridge you’ve been living under and follow my simple plan you will have the entire room smitten. In fact, bookmark this on your phone and go mingle right now. Read and execute my friends.

First things first. Girls — make up should be exciting and bold! This is no time to hold back. In fact, wear enough that you’ll leave colorful streaky glitter marks on the shirt of any man who gets even remotely close. When he does his laundry he’ll think of you!

Men, when you see something you like across a room make direct eye contact and hold. Initially choose a random body part and zero in rather than going right in for the direct eye contact. Focus on your target. Your ideal face will feature a mix of intense concentration and a bit of constipation. Do not blink. Blinking is a weakness. This will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but that’s only because of how intimate it is. Do not divert your stare if they notice! Instead, slowly lower your eye-gaze- now is the time to make direct eye contact — then casually lick your lips and continue to resist blinking. Never show weakness.

Ladies, let the guy think he’s making the first move. Draw him in with body language. Sit on a chair, arch your back… no, arch it more. Good. Now cross your legs, run your fingers through your hair, put your chin down, shoulders back, suck your stomach in, stick your chin out a bit… no double chins here! When he comes over simply give him casual nods, but don’t seem too eager.

Have an opening line ready. Something that will connect you on a deep level. Such as “do you sleep?” or “do you eat?” (If the answer is “I’m on a liquid diet” — abort, there’s nothing here for you).

While attempting to converse with a prospective mate you must only talk about yourself. This ensure a continuous conversational flow.

Come up with compliments specific to each woman. For example, “you have really nice eyes” or “you smile”. Those are things no woman has heard and you’ll be memorable! OR let them know they have an amazing body, but only if you haven’t already said hello. Saying “hello” first will negate the WOW factor.

After complimenting a woman, don’t forget to then subtly put her down by calling her an idiot. After being insulted a girl will value herself less and therefore be more interested in pursuing your company! This is especially true if she’s “hot” and gets a lot of male attention. Stand out from the competition!

If they seem unimpressed, unresponsive or preoccupied; then rest assured, he or she is interested in you. They are playing hard to get and you should step up your game. Get their phone number from someone else if they wont give it out themselves. That’s what they’re hoping you’ll do. This is all a game. Never ever quit.

Girls, be very snarky and judgmental. Call all other girls ugly and pick apart every small flaw. You will seem confident and secure!

Fellas, if another male is so brazen as to dare greet the woman to whom you’re expressing interest — assert your dominance over the situation. Internally freak out as much as possible. Squirm around in your chair uncomfortably and make odd sounds as though you’re having trouble digesting.

Guys LOVE different and quirky girls. Be as odd as possible. Pee yourself. It’ll give them a story and it’s super quirky!

All my ladies I want to see you happy, bubbly and smiling without ceasing! Dance and sing loudly at every possible moment to prove you are fun-loving and carefree! If all eyes aren’t on you then you don’t love life enough! LIVE LAUGH LOVE! <3

Smile with a cute half smile. This may give them the impression you’ve suffered a mild stroke, but you will look coy and sexy.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — the eyes are so very important. Don’t blink if you’re a guy. Maintain unbroken eye contact. If this goes on long enough you will connect on an emotional soul-bearing level. (Party Bonus: The whites of your eyes may turn bloodshot, and humans are very attracted to the color red. They simply lose their minds and all logic around anything red. Target is built on this principle, so you know it works). If you’re a girl, you’re going to want to make your eyes look as large as possible — like Zooey Deschanel. Stretch those puppies out! Like you don’t have eyelids at all! Raise your eyebrows and smile big! I also suggest rapidly batting your eyelashes like a hummingbird’s wings at random intervals. This is what doe-eyed beauties do. It’s coy and shows you’re an alert person.

Break the touch barrier. This should not be aggressive — a light touch, a poke in the ribs, or a lick will do the trick. (Speak in rhymes/limericks! See: Quirky) Perhaps smell their hair? Inhale and exhale their scent deeply so they know you’re passionate.

Talk about very personal things right away. In fact, men, don’t hold back tears. Women love emotions! hahaha you know us women!! Love it! In fact we are all so desperate for commitment, please tell us you love us the first time we meet. Women can’t refuse!

Have sweaty hands always, just absolutely SQUISH and make no effort to dispel the sweat. It’s adorable because it shows you’re nervous. Here’s a cool idea: Dab your pointer finger into your sweaty palm and write “will you date me?” in sweat on the wall or the table. They wont be able to resist this creative and natural human gesture.

Begin to laugh loudly and enthusiastically for no apparent reason. When they ask “what’s funny?” switch gears quickly to anger, and scream “NOTHING!!” After a few seconds pass begin to giggle to yourself softly while delicately rocking back and forth. This will be mysterious! Being swaddled in mystery is very attractive. Be so mysterious that they aren’t even sure that you’re human.

Girls, keep your lips pouty and your mouth hanging open ever so slightly at all times. Show him that you’re listening and don’t stop nodding. Never stop nodding and smiling and REMEMBER THE DOE EYES!

Talk about how much you hate puppies and kittens. In fact, if you kill puppies and kittens as a hobby, be sure to mention it! Again, it’s all about setting yourself apart from the pack.

As mentioned earlier, people are attracted to red, so draw blood at some point in the night. If you are really having a good time I would just go right into a main artery.

Girls. Grow a mustache. Again, quirky! Don’t be like everyone else! Don’t even be like yourself. Be super strange and unforgettable!

Not to harp on the eyes, but they are such a big deal. Consider making your eyes go rapidly from side to side occasionally. It shows you have brain activity, which is desirable in a mate.

If you’re still single after following these guidelines, then I can’t help you.