1. You’re short.
Guess what stumpy. If you’re under 6 foot-two, you need not apply. Do we need to put this totally un-chic “You have to be this tall to ride this ride” sign on top of our heads or what is it that you don’t understand?
It’s simple. I need to feel like a princess and how can I do that with Danny Devito-esque “men” tugging at my sleeves? Oh and heels, need I say more, like hello?
Is there seriously one person out there who is proud to be a short man? I would need as many hands as an Indian deity to count the many horror-stories my girl friends tell me about short men approaching them in the streets and bars and I wish I could say it hasn’t happened to me. Over mimosas, me and the girls, jokingly call the aftermath of such an encounter PTSTD (Post Traumatic Shortman Trying Disorder).
Short men, when will they learn?
2. You’re ugly
Okay, so you’re no Ryan Gosling or Liam Hemsworth, but that shouldn’t ruin your chances of getting with a girl, right? Wrong.
If there’s something me and girlfriends can’t stand, it’s ugly men. Why in the name of all that is holy, would women, who are a diverse group of fierce and beautiful individuals, give Mr. Hooknose or Lack o’ Jaw Jack the time of day? It’s beyond me how some uggos have the audacity to approach me, thinking they have a shot of getting me to sleep with them. Puuhleaase. That’s not it man. You ain’t getting none of this. Like. Ever. If I wanted a rump with Quasimodo I’d move to Paris and get a goat. I don’t even like goats.
I am in my twenties. Life is all about fun. Having ugly guys in my life is literally a killjoy stain that needs to be, like, rubbed out. I’m sure 99.9999 percent of all women agree with me. Gemma didn’t, she started going out with this guy who’s got big dumbo ears last summer. We don’t talk to her anymore.
So, In case you didn’t get it it yet, if you’re ugly. Euuww. Just go. Creep.
