What if I told you I still love you?
Would you change your mind and find your way back to me? Would you miss the smell of my perfume? Would you want to hear the sound of my voice again?
What if I told you my heart still aches from remembering you, my eyes still tear up from losing you, and my day is incomplete without you? Would you feel sympathy about my pain? Would you care about how much I’m hurting? Would you think about knocking on my doors and comfort me with your hug?
I want to know because I’m sick and tired of guessing.
I’m tired of wondering if I ever cross your mind. I’m tired of wondering if your life is better without me, if you’ve found the one, if you’ve completely moved on. And I’m tired of wondering if I still have a place in your heart.
Because if you crack and open mine, you would see your name in it, scribbled in golden ink. If you feel it, you would know it still beats for you. It still calls your name especially when it’s lost. It makes itself believe that you’re still its caretaker.
I spend so much time thinking about you instead of looking for someone else or entertaining someone else. I keep walking backwards and trying to relive some old memories because the truth is, being in the past feels so much nicer than the one that’s in front of me.
Everything would feel right if only you were just within my reach.
Maybe I would smile ten times brighter every day if you were still here. I would be brave enough to speak my truth if you were around to encourage me. I would live life without fears if only you were still in love with me.
But you’re not. Because you’re living miles and miles away from me. And I’m afraid your heart is beginning to wipe me out of its memory.
I keep telling myself lies about how you no longer have an impact in my mind. But if that’s true, my brain wouldn’t suddenly freeze and I wouldn’t stay rooted at where I’m standing every time I see a stranger who looks like you. My mouth wouldn’t immediately become dry every time somebody says a name that sounds like yours.
Maybe you’re still the one I want to introduce to my parents. Maybe my friends were wrong about their judgements against you after all these time. And maybe my gut has been right ever since we first caught sight of each other.
I know you’re already distracted about creating a new life without me in it.
But what if I told you I’m still so into you? Would that be enough to catch your attention, to stop what you’re doing, to look at the face you used to adore? Would you drop everything that’s in your hands and rush to kiss me on both cheeks? Would you say that you love me too?
I hope your answer is yes. I hope there’s still a piece of me that you’re keeping. I hope you remember me when you accidentally see a moon at night. I hope you feel my longing for you on the other side of the world.
I am done pretending I don’t think about you anymore. Because honestly, you’re the only one who consumes my mind on a Sunday morning, when everyone’s still sleeping. Our memories together still appear in my dream once in a while. The details of your face are still stuck in my head like the lyrics of my favorite pop song.
I can’t urge myself to be in a relationship with someone new because I’m still saving my love for you. I’m waiting for the day when the world will make a way for us to meet again. I keep encouraging myself to hold on to my feelings for you, because a huge part of me is hoping you’d realize that you miss me, too.
And a huge part of me is wishing that eventually, you would confess that your love for me hasn’t left your heart, and your feelings for me haven’t faded since the last time you said your goodbye.