10 Things I Want My Ex-Best Friend To Know

Losing friends because of fights or misunderstandings or simply from growing apart happens to all of us. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It hurts badly, particularly when you thought your friendship would last a lifetime.

I lost a friend. We had made joking plans for the future, imagining what our lives would be like at 30, 50, 80. How our partners and kids would fit into it—we swore we would never give up our wine nights, no matter how many kids we’d have. Instead, she gave up on our friendship altogether.

1. You hurt me

When you disappeared from my life, you hurt me deeply. To this day I am not quite sure what happened. We were having a rough time, I know that, but was I not worth giving another chance? Did our friendship really cause you that much pain that you had to walk away without looking back? I am sorry if it did. You saw me cry about guys, but I can promise you, none of those times quite compare to the hole in my heart that you caused.

2. I don’t regret you

We shared so many moments, such good times. I treasure those memories. You taught me how to look at the world in a different way and how to make pancakes. We danced around my kitchen and spent hours lounging on my couch, drinking wine that was way too sweet and talking about things that don’t matter anymore, if they ever even did. We went to some questionable parties and on double dates together, some terrible, some a lot less so. I wouldn’t change a thing.

3. Your secrets are safe with me

You know those posts on the internet that say something along the lines of two people need to stay friends because they know way too many condemning things about each other? We probably fall into that category, except you don’t need to worry—your secrets will always be safe with me.

4. I still think about you

Following you on Instagram is a part of it, sure, because a new post or story will pop up randomly, and how could you not cross my mind right then? It’s more than that, though. Sometimes I walk past a bar we spent countless nights at or wear an outfit we bought together and I think about you. It happens a lot less than it used to, but it happens. It probably will for a while.

5. I still remember your birthday

I looked at the date that morning and thought, “It’s her birthday today. Hope she has a great one.” And I meant it too. I wonder how long I’ll remember that for. Other things have gotten blurrier. I can’t quite remember your favorite food or your go-to Starbucks order, but that date still sticks with me. Your birthday always was a big deal, after all.

6. I wonder how you got where you are

I heard through the grapevine that you moved away too. We actually live in the same city again now; who would have thought? I always knew I wanted to end up here, but last we talked that wasn’t your plan at all. Then again, it’s been a minute since we’ve spoken. I do wonder though. What changed?

7. I have thought about reaching out

Sometimes I am tempted to comment on your social media stories or just message you and ask how you’ve been. I can’t quite predict how you’d react though, and maybe that’s why I haven’t. Or maybe it’s because making small talk with someone I once told everything to would simply hurt too much.

8. I hope you’re happy

I really do. I know your life wasn’t perfect, that you had some demons of your own. I know our friendship ending was probably more about you than us, and I hope that whatever was weighing on your soul has been lifted. I hope you love your life in this new city. I hope that ending up here was your choice, not just a byproduct of circumstances.

9 I still get sad sometimes

It’s rare these days, but sometimes it happens. A memory will hit me with full force out of nowhere and it takes me a minute to catch my breath. I scroll through my old photos and videos and find some of us, and I can recall the moment perfectly, every detail as clear as if it had happened yesterday. I smile because we had good times. I’m sad, because we lost something important when we lost each other.

10. I hope you sometimes miss me too

And that you don’t regret me either. I hope when you occasionally come across an old photo of us, it makes you smile and maybe just a little bit sad. Just like it does for me.