At some point, every woman will date someone of whom their friends and family won’t approve. I’m not talking about friends just disliking your partner over something trivial, but a deep-rooted hatred because, well, maybe the person you’re dating really is the worst thing in the world (here are 4 ways to tell). I had one of those, and everyone who loved me hated him. It just took me awhile to understand why, and when I did, I kicked myself for not seeing the light sooner.
I asked the ladies their thoughts on the matter. How does it feel when you’re dating someone whom all your friends and family despise and think is toxic? Do you tell your friends and family to eff off? Proceed with caution? Or call it quits with the person in question? Here’s what they had to say.
I don’t care. I do what I want.
“I usually take the rebellious road and continue at an even faster pace into the arms of disaster and self-destruction. And then regret. Which is basically why I gave up dating entirely,” says Sarah, 37.
If my friends and family don’t like them, I’m out.
“No, done, over, over immediately. But then, my parents like just about everyone, so if they disliked someone it would be because they had actively seen him axe murdering people,” says Jennifer, 27.
“Not a good idea to be with someone all your friends and family despise. It’s kinda like in the Portrait of a Lady…” says Mieko, 38.
I proceed with caution and my gut.
“The people I surround myself with are very good judges of character, however, I will not discount my own experiences with the person. People I knew talked sh*t about [husband] when I first got involved with him and I took the time to find out if it was true or not. Sometimes it’s your friends that are toxic…” says Colleen, 30.
“There are certain people whose opinions I hold higher than others, but generally speaking, I’m a pretty good judge of character and go with my gut. Not gonna lie, though, my instinct is to NOT listen to my parents when it comes to people (we just value really different things). There was maybe ONE friend my mother didn’t like growing up, but I knew things about his strict and rough home life and understood why she was distrustful of an overly polite young man. Then there was the time I was getting back together with an old girlfriend that had hurt me horribly, and my boyfriend at the time didn’t understand how I could forgive her, knowing what had gone down (ah, poly life). At the time I ignored him, because he never DID get our relationship from the get-go, but looking back, he had some solid points. So, there are times I should have listened, but I am STUBBORN,” says Becky, 30.
“I’m cautious about the people I surround myself with to begin with. So I haven’t really gotten the talk about how my love interest is toxic. I don’t listen to gossip and go with my own gut check. HOWEVER, being an unfortunate member of the once bitten, twice shy club, I do take note of murmurings and I’m sure to explore what’s being said with someone I trust as well as with the person I’m seeing,” says Jen, 35.
Honestly, it really depends on the situation.
“This is a huge ‘It Depends!’ If they have real reasons, like, he’s verbally abusive to you, then I would hear them out. If it’s more because he’s a different type of person than they’re used to seeing you with, or because you’re changing and what you’re attracted to is changing, and they’re just being resistant to that, then… sorry! Gotta do what’s best for you, and only you know what’s best for you in the end. Plus, sometimes, your friends and family can be the most judgmental people you know-and not always in the good way!” exclaims Sabrina, 28.