With my most recent birthday now behind me, I can’t help but reflect on the last 28 years—my choices, my experience, and my relationships—but more importantly, their influence on the reality I’ve reached. It’s hard to admit and difficult to talk about with anyone. I don’t blame people for noticing; it’s always been obvious, which is why I’ve chosen to ignore it—that is, until now. See, I’ve always been the girl that guys want to sleep with, but I’ve never been the girl that guys want to date. When I say it aloud, I can’t combat my emotions. I try and I fail.
Arrived at a reluctant stage of adulthood, I’ve had to shift my energy inward to look deep within myself, hoping to make changes that will alter my environment. I don’t like where I am right now, and I want that to change, so I’m trying. I’m trying to look at my own behavior rather than blame others for my problems—because, for most of life, that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’m digging deep not only for myself but for anyone else that can relate.
Guys have used me most of my life, and sure, I could blame that harsh reality on men for being assholes, or blame it on hook-up culture, or even blame it on my parents’ platonic relationship that screwed me up from the get-go—and I have, but I’m not doing that today. I’m trying not to do that at all anymore.
Guys have used me for nothing more than my body and convenience for more years than not because of one simple reason: I’ve let them.
I acknowledge that that’s on me. I have to because I’ve come to a place where I am absolutely certain I no longer want this behavior in my life. All the other stuff doesn’t matter because none of that I can control. What I can control is who I allow into my life and who I share myself with, and sometimes that’s not easy, especially if you easily get lonely. I admit I’m lonely most of the time, and it impacts who I let in, but more so, who I run back to.
I’ve always wanted to save people and fell into my own delusion to think that I was capable of doing so. But indulging in this self-proclaimed role and throwing myself into others, I’ve inadvertently abandoned taking care of myself. With each rejection, I’ve let my disappointment grow in negativity. I’ve loved myself a little less each time, tearing myself down, carrying all of the blame, and making bad decisions a part of my routine.
I’ve cried for people I lost, even though they were never mine to begin with.
I got invested every time I knew I shouldn’t.
But now I’m taking care of myself or at least I’m trying to. I’m learning how to love myself, but more importantly, how to respect myself and how to only spend time with people that respect me. Respect is my top priority right now.
I am not a victim and it’s time that I stop acting like one.
I don’t regret the choices I’ve made because they all came from my heart; they all came from love. But I’m redirecting that love onto myself, hoping that I can welcome that kind of love into my life.
Every situation is different, but we can all benefit from looking inward, and we can all benefit from loving ourselves a little bit more.
Lead always with love, but make sure that you start with yourself first.