1. They don’t actually give a fuck about your diet or fitness routine, because they’ve heard it all.
2. They identify places in L.A. by landmarks or minutes it takes to get there (minus traffic), instead of miles or streets.
3. They describe everything as being “about 20 minutes away”.
4. They pronounce Los Feliz “LOS-FEEL-IZ” not “LOS-FIL-EES”.
5. Similarly, they say Wilshire as “WIL-SURE” not “WILL-SHI-AR.”
6. And also Sepulveda is “SUPP-UL-VI-DA” not “SUPPLE-VIDA”.
7. Their dreams are dead or in the process of being crushed.
8. They regard the East side and West side of L.A. as not even 2 different cities, but 2 different countries.
9. Their high school yearbook is a collection of famous last names.
10. They know someone who had a fling with John Mayer. They themselves haven’t had the fling, they just know someone who has.
11. They don’t worry about parking because they’ve had a garage or valet parking their whole life.
12. They sneer at the Valley but secretly want to live there because of the ample parking.
13. They don’t talk about where they’re from.
14. They stay inside from 3 PM to 8 PM to avoid the onslaught of rush hour traffic, if they can help it.
15. They know their dreams of being an actor/writer/director are nothing special, so if you ask them what they do, they’ll probably say something like, “oh, a little bit of everything.”
16. They regard the selfie as an art form not to be screwed around with. They’ll filter that shit real good.
17. They don’t care about finding “the best burrito in the city”, because they’ve had everything from Del Taco to that hole-in-the-wall Mexican place about 10 years ago, and they’re over the search.
18. They view In-N-Out as a religion.
19. And Angelyne as the Holy Spirit.
20. They went to kindergarten through high school with an Olsen and they don’t care.
21. They have a special mixture of fear, self-loathing, inflated importance and pride that’s all cleverly masked by their knowledge of the best way to get to Brentwood in the middle of rush hour from Silver Lake.
22. If you comment on their accent they’ll say, “Umm…like, what accent?”
23. They find insane pleasure in being able to walk somewhere.
24. They decline the breadbasket. OR they’ll eat the whole thing. There is no in between.
25. They fucking love escaping to Palm Springs, San Francisco, or Las Vegas for the weekend. “Escape from L.A.” isn’t just a movie, but a mantra.
26. They have a mantra.
27. They don’t complain that bars close at 2 AM because they always know of an after party, even if it’s just a group of people smoking weed in the Hollywood Hills while some guy named Ryan plays Hootie & the Blowfish on guitar.
28. If you ask them for the best place to see celebrities, they’ll say something like, “My pharmacy.”
29. They don’t give a shit about the Dodgers.
30. They seem like they’re from New York.
31. They write articles about how to tell if people are really from L.A.