9 Simple Ways To Hack Your Roommate

1. Get their boyfriend/girlfriend to stop living at your place

I like to think I am laid back but if you have a roommate, chances are you live in a smallish apartment. Adding a whole person to the mix makes your place seem cramped. Also, I am a girl, I don’t want to be around boys all the time, especially if I am not getting an orgasm out of it. I want to walk around in my underwear and not hear your stupid voice (men’s voices carry more than women’s) talking about dumb shit all the time. Solution: I just act like they aren’t there. Walk around in leggings and a bra. It’s your apartment, why shouldn’t you be comfortable?

This works literally every time. As it turns out your roommate that is more than happy to be a homebody with her boyfriend every night on the couch doesn’t want him staring at someone else’s boobs.

2. Dishes

If your roommate leaves their dishes in the sink for days at a time, get a plastic tub and keep it under the sink. You can clean the kitchen and enjoy how put together it looks, and just set their dirty dishes out of sight.

3. Get them to pay their share of the bills on time

This trick is a little stone cold but if you really need them to do something, like pay their have of the utilities bill, ensure they’ll do it ASAP by changing the wifi password. Humans can live like 40 days without food and three days without water, but a few hours without internet access will smoke out even the toughest millennial.

4. Switch your food around

If you have a roommate that is constantly eating your food without permission, set a few traps and they’ll be put off eating your food for life. Leftover pizza? Scrape away the tomato sauce and replace with a thick layer of Sriracha. Ice cream? Mix it with lard and put it back in the container. Candy? Shave some Ex-Lax chocolate over that goodness. They’ll be off these foods for a longggg time.

5. Your roommate is LOUD

This is a tough one because they could just naturally be loud and that’s hard to fix. Get some sweet headphones for when you’re watching Netflix on your laptop. I also like to cancel out the noise occasionally by setting my stereo facing out, right next to the door. The sound coming back into the room isn’t as loud as it is going out and it turns their loudness into white noise.

6. After parties

If you have a roommate that works irregular hours, they might be up late with their friends during the week while you’re trying to get enough sleep to haul your ass to the office in the morning. Turn the radio on while you’re getting ready and don’t be shy about blending your green smoothie as loud as you want to. If they ask you to be quieter, they’ll be trapped into making a noise agreement with you where they’ll be quiet during certain hours if you also are.

7. If you just want to get back at them

Sometimes you just need to get a one-up on them. It’s probably healthier to do a little baby crime that will make you feel a lot better than to bottle up the energy until you’re leaving passive aggressive notes everywhere. Figure out what time they have to be to work and when they usually shower. Get in the bathroom right before them and take a long, luxurious hot shower.

8. Your roommate is a pothead

Call the police when they’re lighting up and blame the neighbors. Sit back and enjoy the LOLs.

9. If all else fails, build a wall to keep them from getting into their room

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