1. Only saying “hi.”
Guys do this because they aren’t sure if I am an active user or am attracted to them, I think. It seems like an efficient thing to do—why waste time and energy composing a unique message when you are unsure if you’ll ever get a response? I don’t want you to approach a relationship with efficiency and score-keeping in mind. Don’t think about the wasted time of writing to someone who doesn’t respond, think about the opportunity cost of a great person not responding because you seem lazy.
2. Listing travel locations they have been to, or books they have read as if that in itself makes them interesting.
Being interesting isn’t something you can purchase with plane tickets or books. Tell me what you’re actually interested in or what you like to learn about through books/travel.
3. Being a troll.
I understand these guys are not trying to date me, so this only tangentially belongs on this list but I’ve gotten a lot of messages from older men who seem to take issue with my profile. They try to educate me that no “real” man wants a “silly girl” who presents herself the way I do because my profile isn’t demure and ladylike. Go back to yelling at kids on your lawn.
4. Completely ignoring my profile.
If someone says they are looking for someone older, or aren’t looking for casual sex, or aren’t great with kids—I feel like those are all perfectly fine preferences and should be respected. If a man reads my profile and connected with it other than what I said I was looking for, message me, by all means. But this is rarely the case. It is always someone who simply hasn’t read the profile at all and is mass messaging every girl. Am I interested in dating a 21 year guy? I would actually rather die.
5. “I need a woman who accepts that I _______.”
In the first message? Bittertown, USA. Population: you.
6. Asking for my number in the first message.
I don’t want to give my number out to every guy? Make an introduction and if we hit it off we can text, but this jumping the shark freaks me out.
7. Using these adjectives when describing yourself in your message: “decent”, “average”, “laid back.”
8. “No drama.”
In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t gotten this message yet, we’ve now established, as a culture, that saying “I hate drama” means you are the one that is dramatic and brings drama into all your relationships.
9. “I don’t play games.”
To me, this means, “if you do something I don’t like, I will accuse you of playing games.”
10. Sending a message that was obviously just copy/pasted to 30+ girls.
People can tell when you do this. It’s not exactly a panty dropper.
11. SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT OTHER WOMEN.
Some guys will try to compliment me by saying I don’t seem “stupid like the other girls on this site.” Como? They will also talk about how desperate girls seem at the “bar scene” or whatever. Nope, disrespecting women will never be a turn on. I’m pretty sure if you’ll say it about one girl, you’ll say it about me one day.
12. Telling me how horny you are.
13. “I have a full time job, own place and car.”
This is actually a very common thing to include in a message, which was very confusing for me at first. It was culture shock, I think, that this would be a thing you needed to clarify with people. I’m not sure if I actually think it’s wrong to include these things, but I usually feel to bleak to respond.
14. Asking for more pictures.
Me being on the fence of what you think is attractive isn’t really a beacon of hope for our future relationship. Just find someone else.
15. “Can you squirt?”
It was so hard to type that word out without dying of revulsion. Please just don’t. Ever.
16. “Age is just a number.”
People who say this phrase say it with an air of “you are shallow for caring about age.” Which is insulting. Age isn’t just a number, it denotes how many years you have been on this earth. I would really like to assume a 45 year old man has learn a lot more life lessons than a 20-something woman. There are exceptions to every rule, but the way to become an exception is not to tell someone their preference is silly.
17. Having an empty profile.
How am I supposed to tell if I should message you back? Are you a ghost? No, you are married, I think.
18. Being married.
I can tell when a married man is messaging me. Sometimes they are even upfront about it. I don’t even care about your marriage, but your lack of integrity is a turn-off.
19. Acting like you just joined the internet this year.
Writing in all caps, weird line breaks, struggling to type out a sentence. Who are these people? How have you just joined the internet? Did you not have to play TypeQuest in school? Mostly I feel like this person would be an alien to my culture, The Internet.
20. Asking if I am free immediately.
Maybe you are not trying to make a sex date, but it definitely feels like a sex date. I don’t really want to go on a sex date.
21. Talking about how bad you are with women.
This is like when someone announces “I’m awkward.” I think they are aiming at comic relief but I feel obligated to say “no, you’re not that awkward.” Our first exchange should not be me trying to build up your self esteem.