I’m Terrified My Depression Makes Me Impossible To Love

being depressed and being difficult to love
Twenty20 / @gabrielleamontree

I’m scared my mental illness makes me unlovable.

It’s a statement I hate writing and a sentence I hate thinking about. But it’s how I feel. And as my depression and anxiety become more chronic, my thoughts about falling in love become more negative and my belief of the chances of it happening for me start to grow slim. While I know this is a small part of me, I can’t help but feel as though there is a giant neon sign following me, warning people away.

The truth is, when I tell the people I’m dating it usually starts out OK. They seem to understand and accept this is a part of me, but it isn’t all me.

But the further we get down the path of being together and the more they realize how much it actually affects my everyday life, that is when I see them start to look for the exit.

I’ve had exes tell me they can’t make me feel better because I’m letting these “issues” consume me. I’ve had exes tell me they don’t feel as though they can tell me the truth about things because they’re worried it’ll send me into a tailspin. I’ve had exes try to tell me how to manage my illnesses even though they’ve never experienced it themselves.

I don’t need someone to tell me what to do or how to do it when it comes to depression or anxiety. All I want, all I truly want, is someone just to love me through it. That’s the part that is sometimes lost on potential partners. I don’t need someone to fix me. I go to therapy. I take my medication. I work hard each and every day to ensure I am doing all I can to prevent the bad days from occurring more often than not.

What I do need is for someone to just be there when things get hard. When those bad days come on and I can’t think of a reason why I should get out of bed, I want someone to be there to just tell me I can do it. I want someone to hold me when, in the middle of the night, I can’t breathe because my anxiety is out of control. I want to be able to tell someone my deepest darkest secrets when it comes to my illness and not have them look at me like I have three heads.

I know it’s not easy to ask someone to be a part of my life when most of the time my moods are a little unpredictable. I know it’s not fair that I’m going to let someone down because I just can’t help myself from wanting to hide from the world on really bad days. I feel it’s not reasonable that sometimes my problems become their problems because I just need someone to shoulder a bit of the weight that comes with depression and anxiety.

I know all of these things but it doesn’t mean I’m unlovable or incapable of giving love. Because I so am. I know I am.

I will love the shit out of people despite the fact it’s sometimes hard to love myself. I am able to listen and accept criticism when things just aren’t working for my partner. I am able to just be there for someone when they’re having a really, really bad day. And I’m able to empathize, not sympathize or compare, when talking to someone about their problems.

So, I’ve been with people who don’t get me or my mental health. I’ve been with people who have told me that my mental illness makes it so it’s difficult to love me. I’ve also been the person pushing people away in order to protect myself from them potentially leaving me when it gets a little too hard to deal with.

But no one is perfect, and I am no exception. TC mark

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  • http://unbreakableyetfragile.wordpress.com unbreakableyetfragile

    I sometimes have to do the same but one thing that helps me is music and nature walks. Positive thoughts, bring positive vibes. Keep moving and take deep breathes!😎👍

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  • http://www.walkingwithscars.wordpress.com thewintersdance

    You will be able to love, I am sure. In a way that is what I experienced the weird thing. How we feel so absolutely nothing, and then so absolutely everything. It will all make sense. Don’t give up hope! Love and Strength to you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️

  • http://joypassiondesire.wordpress.com joypassiondesire

    💖

  • http://astartine.wordpress.com fred Grey

    wow,it sounds brave and i kinda have a woman like that,reading your story,i think i know the best way to make her happier,thanks a lot

  • http://bhavanajha.wordpress.com Bhavana Jha

    I really appreciate you for sharing your feelings with us and opening up to the blogging community. Be strong , take care and stay happy

  • http://www.awsocute.com/im-terrified-my-depression-makes-me-impossible-to-love/ I’m Terrified My Depression Makes Me Impossible To Love - AwSoCute

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  • http://foulkesgeorge.wordpress.com True George

    Inducing someone to have an orgasm used to be the standard treatment for people with depression. It worked; may if you worked on getting that orgasm with your boyfriends you might have a better love life….

  • http://savioni.wordpress.com Mario Savioni

    Let’s go to dinner. I am hungry, then a movie. It was 105•F here today and I am lying in bed without any covers. It’s dark outside and I haven’t eaten dinner. I can’t sleep.

  • http://whenlovingstartwithyourself.wordpress.com Yashasvi

    No one is unlovable. I’ve been through the same phase, and trust me dear, there are people who loves you, even when you think there’s nothing to be loved for in you.

  • http://gristle1953.wordpress.com Gristle1953

    I am amazed that so many folkds who have never been afflicted by depression and anxiety have the answers! Acceptance is the only answer. Love you just as you are. People who suffer from depression are usually incredibly open and creative. I imagine you are.
    All the best.
    Xxx

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