This Is When I Miss You

I miss you the most when I’m sick. I miss you holding me and running your hands through my hair while telling me I look pretty even though we both know I don’t. You would always make me tea and listen while I complained about how I was going to die from a common house cold. You’d always tell me that, even with my runny nose and splotchy red face, that I didn’t look THAT bad. You’d watch Price is Right with me and make me forget that I was sick as we tried to guess how much the final showcases were.

I miss you the most when I’m angry. Like that scary calm angry that only a few people have ever seen. The one that I’m scared to show other people because I don’t want them to think that I’m crazy. You were the one person who could calm me down with a dumb reference to some ridiculous movie. You were the one who listened to the anger without any sort of suggestion, just listened.

I miss you the most when my anxiety is out of control. You listened to me go over the same scenario over and over again. You didn’t get annoyed when I continued to over explain a situation that was giving me anxiety. You would tell me to take deep breaths and focus on something else. You would let me lay on your chest and listen to your heartbeat because you knew that would give me some kind of comfort. You did everything right when it came to dealing with me and my anxiety.

I miss you the most when I’m crying. I never liked to be that vulnerable with anyone but you made it easy. You accepted every tear and let me cry until I couldn’t anymore. You wiped my face after and told me that everything would be OK. You would hold my hand and tell me that we got this. That you weren’t going anywhere.

I miss you most when I have big news. Every time something big happens I go to text you. There was a time when we promised each other, no matter what happened with us, that we would always tell each other the big things. And we did until the most recent years because we couldn’t do it anymore. It was too hard to know the big events going on in each other’s lives because we were no longer a part of them.

I miss you the most late at night. Late at night when I’m alone wondering what you’re doing. And that even though I’ve moved on and am happy, I still want to know what you’re doing. I think it’s because we were so intertwined in each other that it makes it weird to not have you as a part of me. And it’s been years since we’ve been there.

I miss you the most as my best friend. Sure the love was great and even though it was just a minute we got it right, I miss mostly just having you as my confidant. As the one person I could turn to when everything was going wrong. You were one of the only people who would encourage me to be whatever I wanted to be. You were just there no matter what.

I miss when I didn’t blame you for everything. And I sometimes still do blame you for everything. And that wasn’t fair. You ultimately were the one who broke us but I definitely contributed to the cracks. It must have got tiring being the people I leaned on always. It must have been hard having to be the person making most of the decision. It must have been hard trying to love someone who didn’t love or know themselves. It must have been hard constantly reassuring someone that you love them.

I mostly miss the times when we could just be. No expectations. No wondering where we were going or what we were doing. Just us. Doing nothing. And I think I always will.