When I tell you I miss you don’t get that confused with pining after you. In that moment, when we’re speaking, I miss you. I don’t sit around in sweatpants, eating ice cream, wishing you were here and my life is unfulfilling without you… anymore. I don’t think about you every day like I used too. You’re not a memory that appears in my head constantly. I don’t wonder where you are or what you’re doing.
When your name pops up on my iPhone screen I’m momentarily sent back to when your name was a constant. When you weren’t just a memory but my reality. When you weren’t just letting me walk away without so much as hint of wanting to stop me. But yet you still talk to me. You even tell me that you miss me. That sucks.
It sucks to let someone go. To not fight for them. But then to tell them on a regular basis that you miss them. You didn’t have to miss me. You don’t have to miss me. You could have just had me. But that was your decision to make it me feel like I wasn’t worth it.
I wasn’t worth your time. I wasn’t worth arguing for.
But I have major faults in this too. I have so many of them. My ego is hard to deal with. I know that. We both knew that during and after every argument we got into. My ego is damaging but my pride is destroying. I didn’t need you and I made damn sure you knew that. I made sure that when it comes to my life, that I make the decisions and you, well you get what’s leftover.
My ego. My pride. It’s evident that I can’t say it. I can’t even let you think that maybe sometimes I do pine for you. That sometimes I do wear sweatpants, eat ice cream and think about how amazing it would be if you were here. That I wish I could show you all of the new things in my world you’re missing. That letting you go is something I struggle with daily.
That missing you has become so natural that it’s just a feeling I bury deep within me.
We both know that I’ll never come back to you with my heart in my hands begging you to love me. That was pretty clear the last time we talked. I’m strong and I’m tough so you don’t get to see the inside pieces of my heart anymore. The pieces that I’ve been trying to glue back together. The ones I assumed would magically fix themselves after time and miles between us.
But it doesn’t work that way. Miles and time do work if you’re willing to actively move on. If you’re willing to put in the work to let the other person go. To be completely honest, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to pretend that seeing your name on my phone or in my inbox doesn’t make my heart flutter because you want to talk to me. That you want to see how I am. That you still give a shit after all this time.
And really that’s all my ego needs.
I need to know that I had an effect on your life the same way you had on mine.
So is it ego or feelings that keep me holding onto you. Wanting to hear you tell me just one more time how great you think I am. Do I miss you or do I miss the way you manage to always say the right things?
It’s both. My feelings are real. They have to be. And as I have this internal struggle on paper it makes me realize why you let me go in the first place. My never ending back and forth about who I am, what I want and my feelings for you aren’t fair to you.
So I don’t pine for you, I crave you. I crave the feelings that were once so raw and so real to me. They seem like such a distant memory that they almost don’t feel real anymore. You and I don’t exist anymore. We never will again. So for now I’ll just miss you. Because that’s just where I am. And that’s OK.