Tonight, I’m Letting Myself Miss You

For weeks I’ve tried to suppress the feelings of missing you. I have avoided them or pushed them away. I’ve covered them with distracting thoughts and pointless entertainment. I’ve covered you with mindless bodies and heartless conversations. I’ve avoided talking about you and complaining when you aren’t there at the end of the night. You see, I’ve done everything in my power not to miss you.

However, tonight, I have to let myself miss you.

I have to let myself remember that the love we had was genuine and organic from the start. I have to let myself miss the way that your words filled the gaps in my sentences and your touch on a scared, anxious heart. I have to let myself miss the way you listened to your music and talked to your mother on the phone. I have to let myself miss your everyday sneakers and your amazing laugh.

Tonight, I’m letting myself miss you.

I’m putting aside the drama and the heartbreak and the never-ending circles to actually miss you. Just for tonight, I’m going to revel in the love we created and the love that we lost, and I’m actually going to let myself miss you.

I’m going to forget about my broken heart, the unanswered text messages, and the absence of closure, and I’m going to let myself miss you.

I’m letting myself miss you because you were a real person. I’m letting myself miss you because you brought more love into my life than I had ever experienced. I’m letting myself miss you because what we had was beautiful. I’m letting myself miss you because what you left me with was broken pieces to restart my life again.

So I’m going to let my mind drift to our 3 a.m. memories and the time we defied all of the odds. I’m going to reminisce on the first time someone told me they loved me and the last time I heard someone say they wanted to be with me forever. I’m going to hold onto every touch, every late-night movie, every road trip playlist, and all of the in-betweens.

I’m going to let myself miss your curly hair and crooked glasses and the way you talked about passionately chasing your dreams. I’m not going to think about the way you lied or the way you went back on everything that you said, I’m just going to miss you.

I’m going to do the exact opposite of what everyone suggests, just for tonight. I’m not going to go out just to cover up the pieces of you that I’m trying to forget. I’m not going to distract myself.

For once, since the end, I’m letting myself miss you. 

The more that I push away these thoughts of you, the more that they will just come back to me, so tonight I’m letting myself miss you.

And god, I hope that wherever you are, you let yourself miss me, even if it’s just for tonight.