I Keep My Expectations Low

I keep my expectations low to avoid disappointment. I hate getting excited about seeing someone, dating someone, spending forever alongside someone — and then having my heart broken.

I walk into any situation with the worst case scenario in mind so I am prepared for whatever goes wrong. If the day ends up going better than expected, I am pleasantly surprised. It’s a win-win situation.

Of course, I get suspicious whenever my day goes too well. When my life feels too good to be true, I expect something horrible to lurk around the corner and ruin everything.

I expect the worst from the world, the worst from other people. I assume their kindness is an act or they want something from me or they are only being polite because they feel bad for me. I assume no one wants me around — and I don’t really want other people around. I keep to myself because it’s easier that way. There is less drama. Less room for disappointment.

I keep my expectations low because I am terrified of getting exactly what I want and having it ripped away from me. I am terrified of loss. I am terrified of abandonment.

I keep my expectations low because I have been hurt before and don’t want to go through it again. I am a skeptic at heart. I lean on my pessimism as a defense mechanism. If I have low expectations, I can never be disappointed. I can never be hurt — except that’s not entirely true.

I still get my feelings hurt. I still experience disappointment even when I know something horrible is coming. My pessimism hasn’t helped me in the long run. It has only made me grouchier, more paranoid, less approachable. I keep my expectations low in order to protect my heart, but it isn’t even working.

I realize I need to change my attitude about the future, about the people surrounding me, about the world as a whole. I need to think higher of people. I need to think higher of myself. I need to change my skepticism into optimism because I am making every day harder on myself. It’s hard to make friends. It’s hard to keep friends. It’s hard to trust anyone when the voice in the back of my mind keeps warning me I’m going to get hurt again.

I am going to work on dismantling that voice piece by piece. I am going to work on being a more optimistic person, a person who sees the bright side to bad situations, a person who smiles even when the world is crumbling around them. I am going to fight for my happiness instead of accepting sadness as a constant. I am going to stop being such a grump and make an effort to see the good in people.

For the first time in a long time, I am going to stop worrying about the worst case scenario and start asking myself what might happen if everything goes right for a change.