An Apology Letter To My Future Lover

I wish I could take back everything that happened now, every piece of me I lost, I wish I could give back these trust issues that are now scarred in my brain. I hope I can make you understand, at the very least, why I want so badly to trust you, with no questions asked, but can’t.

You see we’ve all had our hearts broken on some level at some point in time. Most of us learn very young that the world isn’t such a kind place. My heart has been put through the ringer, every time I’ve been hurt I would remind myself it won’t always be like this. I didn’t want to miss out on finding the right one by closing myself off, so I went through the wrong one. Lots of wrong ones. Each one chipped away at my capacity to love, but I refused to give up on my hopeless dream of the perfect relationship, so I kept letting them. I kept my head tall and opened up every single time, let them see me for who I was. It was never enough.

After years of never being good enough, finally finding someone who made me feel like enough, changed me. He made me feel whole in every way. When I was with him, my insecurities were nonexistent. He made me happy, he made me laugh, and he made me trust him. My biggest regret will forever be trusting him.

I’ve never had trust issues before so I’m not sure how to handle them. Nobody had ever broken my trust like this before. Yeah, some people had made me feel pretty shitty about myself, but never like this. I spent every night home, blaming myself. Why am I not as pretty as she is? Or as skinny as she is? What does she have that I don’t? Why did I believe him so easily? Why am I so naive? Countless hours I spent, alone, wondering what I could’ve done differently to make him stay. Once again, I wasn’t good enough. I wish I could convince myself that’s not the case. All my friends keep promising me it’s not about me, it was him, and that’s easy for me to say. I’ll tell people I believe it but I don’t. In my head I know I don’t believe it, in my head, it’s still my fault.

And I know I’m hopeless, that I’ll open up to someone again, and I’ve tried, but it’s never the same. I can’t blindly trust anyone like that again. So when you tell me you’re going to bed early tonight, I’m sorry if I ask twice for reassurance. When you tell me you’re falling for me, I’m sorry if I push away. When you promise me you’re not with anyone else, I’m sorry if I don’t believe you. Because he said all those things too, and after knowing the truth it’s hard for me to believe them again. It’s hard for me to believe anything again. I want so badly to have that innocence back, to just take whatever you tell me and not question it or doubt it, but the truth is I’ll always assume the worst now. I’m sorry that he left so much damage, I’m sorry I let him ruin me, I’m sorry I’ve become someone I never wanted to be. Please understand that.