231 Funny Sayings That Are Guaranteed To Make Your Day A Little Better

1. If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

2. 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.

3. A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.

5. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

6. A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.

7. A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

8. A good mood like is like a balloon, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.

9. A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

10. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

11. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

12. A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!

13. According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.

14. After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.

15. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

16. Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.

17. All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of crisps.

19. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

20. An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.

21. Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.

22. As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

23. Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.

24. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

26. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

27. Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.

28. Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.

29. Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.

30. Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!

31. Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.

32. Did you see (or possibly get) a bad hairdo?

33. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

34. Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.

35. Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.

36. Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.

37. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

38. Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.

39. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

40. Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

41. Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

42. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

43. Don’t you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some people’s mouths?

44. Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.

45. Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.

46. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

47. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

48. A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.

49. Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

50. Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags because I am precious.

51. Finally, the spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.

52. Funny offense: With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.

53. Funny that you can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter.”

54. Girls want a lot from one guy. On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.

55. Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a malfunctioning rubber, so it’s only right it should end that way, too.

56. God created the world, everything else is made in China.

57. Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.

58. Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.

59. He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.

60. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

61. Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

62. Help a woman when she’s in trouble. She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.

63. Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.

64. How many times must I flush before you finally go away?

65. How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her. How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.

66. I am an example to others. A bad example.

67. I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

68. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

70. I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.

71. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

72. I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.

73. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

74. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

75. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

76. I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

77. I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.

78. I read married couples do it about 74 times per year. It’s end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!

79. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

80. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

81. I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.

82. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

83. I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

84. I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

85. I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living…

86. I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

87. I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

88. I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

89. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

90. I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.

91. I’m never late. The others are simply too early!

92. I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.

93. I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

94. I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

95. I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

97. I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning” seems to be going a bit too far.

98. I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

99. I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.

100. I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.

101. I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.

102. I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I want.

103. I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.

104. I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.

105. I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.

106. I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunk.

107. I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have mistaken me for somebody who’s interested.

108. I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.

109. If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

110. If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I’m not drunk.

111. If I were you, I’d wish to be me!

112. If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…

113. If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.

114. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!

115. If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

116. If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

117. If pro is the opposite of con, what would then be the opposite of progress?

118. If somebody calls you ugly, you can just say, “You’ve mistaken me for your mirror again, didn’t you?”

119. If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water bill is higher too.

120. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

121. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

122. If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

123. If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

124. If you have been struck by a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

125. If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

126. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.

127. If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

128. If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.

129. If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

130. If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

131. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

132. If you’re using the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby,” try taking candy from a baby.

133. If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no ‘we’ in chips.

134. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

135. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing in her way.

136. In books, there hides great knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; corruption is a crime; crime doesn’t pay… basically, if you keep on reading, you’ll end up a beggar.

137. Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake – but you are faster.

138. It is a fact of nature that light arrives faster than sound. Which is why some people can appear quite bright, until they speak.

139. It is a truth universally acknowledged that your urge to pee intensifies as you are unlocking the door.

140. It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

141. It is what’s inside that matters – the fridge is a perfect example.

142. It may seem like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to disappear.

143. It’s funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn’t end as they carrot juice.

144. Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a great big idiot.

145. Just you keep on talking, for sure someday you’ll say something intelligent.

146. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

147. Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must have been around 8 or 11 feet tall.

148. Married women face a significantly lower risk of kidnapping, nobody can be certain that the ransom would actually be paid.

149. May I be excused? My brain is quite full.

150. Maybe you should move. There must be a village looking for an idiot.

151. Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.

152. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

153. My boyfriend is so ugly, I sometimes have to put roofies in my own drink.

154. My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

155. My middle finger salutes you!

156. My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.

157. My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

158. My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.

159. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry…

160. Never drive faster than a guardian angel can fly.

161. No thanks, I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

162. No, I don’t read. The letters get really repetitive after a while.

163. Of all the dogs, a hot dog is the most noble; it feeds the hand that bites it.

164. Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.

165. Of course you’re not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.

166. Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!

167. Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.

168. Pity there’s no gym for your face.

169. Promises are like babies… They’re fun to make but hard to deliver.

170. Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together with no arguing, a bank has just been robbed.

171. Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

172. Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what’s he done to you?

173. Send out your heart to the emancipation movement, bearded women want to be loved too.

174. Some people’s X-rays actually look much better than their photographs.

175. Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

176. Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.

177. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

178. Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.

179. Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.

180. Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

181. Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.

182. Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.

183. Thank you, I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow creates a new hairdo for me every morning.

184. The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

185. The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

186. Who else would put a waste disposal pipeline running through a recreational area?

187. The human body was clearly designed by a civil engineer.

188. The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.

189. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

190. The only scenario where you really need a land line today is when you’re trying to find your smartphone.

191. The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.

192. The road to success is always under construction.

193. The shortest horror story: Monday.

194. The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.

195. The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second cash desk.

196. There are days when you just want to envelop everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.

197. There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.

198. There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.

199. There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I’m not even willing to throw up in your direction.

200. They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?

201. They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don’t want even the slightest risk.

202. They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.

203. They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?

204. War never decides who is right. War only decides who is left.

205. WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.

206. We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

207. What can you say when it’s already late and you really want to go home?

208. Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling and it becomes really mean when I let it wait too long.

209. I think you deserve a standing ovation … of my longest finger!

210. What would you, as an uninvolved party, say on the topic of intelligence?

211. When a bird hits your window, how do you know God isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?

212. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

213. When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep in until noon because I’m a problem solver.

214. When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

215. When you’re calling a woman, you need to call her twice. First time to give her a chance to find the phone in her handbag, the second time for her to actually answer.

216. Whoever said “nothing is impossible” clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.

217. Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

218. You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.

219. You can go anywhere you like; you must only look serious and carry a clipboard.

220. You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being infantile forever.

222. You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

223. You have to excuse me, I suffer from emotional constipation. I really can’t give a shit.

224. You just have bad luck when you think.

225. You look just like I feel…

226. You may have one but that doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

227. You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s possibly because there’s more manure there!

228. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.

229. You were the only child in your family to be given up for adoption.

230. You won’t find any brains back there.

231. You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.