This Is Goodbye, My Love

Your first love isn’t the first person you lock eyes with; isn’t the first person who will make the butterflies in your stomach come to life, isn’t the first person that will sweep you off your feet and lift you so high up in the sky.

“Your first love isn’t the first person you give your heart to—it’s the first one who breaks it.” —Lang Leav, “Sad Girls”

Your first love would be the first person who will keep you up at night; it will be the first person who would make you wonder and question what could have been if and only if you decided on a different course or if you chose to do things differently. Your first love would be the first person who would make your nights ten times longer; he will be the reason why you are pouring your heart out to the moon and the stars every night.

Your first love would be the first person that will cause you the most excruciating pain that will make you feel so weak in the knees it would feel like the butterflies in your stomach are slowly dying down.

For me it was you, and this is me saying goodbye.

A couple of months ago when I started writing, the memories that you and I shared were the inspiration and ideas for most of the things that I wrote, from poetry to articles there were traces of you. As I dig deep into my thoughts and emotions, I once again found myself mourning for the one that I lost four years ago. I once again found myself in anguish whenever I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you.

Then there I was reliving every memory, repeating everything. I once again found myself reliving that august rainy night when every raindrop falls on my roof, it was that night when you asked me if I can be yours and I gladly said yes. Your voice on the phone made it feel like you are sitting right next to me. We both can’t contain our happiness that night. ‘It was one of the best nights of our lives,’ we both said. I once again relive every memory of you and every memory we shared together. I once again pictured myself sleeping and waking up right next to you; I once again remember what it felt like being in your arms. I once again relive every moment your lips would press against mine and every moment that my hands would fit perfectly to yours. I once again relive every moment we touched. Then there I was singing your name like a lullaby, retelling our stories hoping that it would help me fall asleep, but instead, I was once again up all night thinking, reminiscing and mourning for you as if I lost you not too long ago. I once again found myself in anguish reliving every memory of you.

One night I had an epiphany, I asked myself how long has it been since that day we decided to part ways. How many lovers did we encounter after all these years? And yet I still ask of you in the form of someone else’s. I still crave for your warm touch in someone else’s hands. After all these years it is you and always have been you whom I am still looking and waiting for, and yet you were never there. I remember you saying that I am always better at explaining what I feel, I remember you telling me that I always have my ways with words. Then I decided that I have to make peace with you and with every memory that I have of you. So here it is.

Getting over you is one of the hardest things I have to do, this I am still learning how to. When you told me that I need to let you go, I didn’t know where the starting point is and if there would be a finish line. I wasn’t ready to let you go, but unfortunately, I had to. One thing will always be for sure one day when time heals all the wounds and scars in my heart I will eventually get over you.

However, I will never forget you, and I will never try to. The memories we shared are so pure that forgetting about it would be a shame. Therefore, I will treasure it somewhere in my mind so that I can remember you in the best way I know how. Whenever I wonder how it is going for you, I would think that you are living your best life somewhere in this world, I would always picture you smiling your troubles away. Whenever I yearn for you, I will remind myself that I only miss the memories I had with you and not you entirely because I lost you a long time ago. Whenever I seek answers to the questions that have been rambling in the back of my head, I will remind myself that there are things in this world that are better left unsaid.

Maybe we were never meant to give it another try; perhaps we were never meant to hold hands one last time; perhaps that August night was the last time I was meant to be in your arms. Maybe you were only meant to be a chapter in my story; you were only meant to be the side character—and not my happy ending. The future I had made with you was just a fantasy; it was never meant to be my reality. I believe you were only meant to give me the real meaning to this life; you were only meant to give me the strength to unleash my full potential. I now believe that staying was never your intention, because if you did the lies we told wouldn’t lead us here. We were never meant to have a second chance. However, this I will say to you,

I will never forget you but, I won’t mourn for you anymore.

Sadness can be addicting as they would say, the sadness that you bring is something that I find so comforting. That is why whenever I write things about you, I can see myself crawling back to that dark place I once escaped a long time ago. I will still write about you, but I will now use it to bring light to others. I will help them mourn for the ones that they have lost.

I want you to know that I am proud of you. You are working hard towards your dreams, and I couldn’t be happier for you. I know that you are happy, you are being loved by a wonderful person, and I will always be happy for you. I wish you all the best thing this life can give you; I will always do. I want you to know that you will always have a special place in my heart that no one can replace. I will still care for you, and that’s a feeling that will never go away. But, I believe I mourned for you long enough that the sadness has faded and the words that I have for you ran out.

I believe it has come to an end; this is farewell, my love the words finally ran out.

You will always find a trace of you in every writing that I will write, but I will no longer drown myself in the sadness that every memory of you brings. I am now untroubled knowing that you are well, I am now glad knowing that you are living, and I will always be happy knowing that you are even if it wasn’t in my arms.

I will never forget you, and I will never try to. I will remember you in the best way I know how. I want you to know that you were my greatest love as you were my everything, but you are no longer my greatest sorrow, for I am now finally letting you go

I thank you for everything; this is goodbye my love. The words finally ran out.