I don’t understand how love works. You hurt me so bad and I’m still the most “in love” person I know.

The pain you cause me impales my chest and my love for you still swells up in my heart at an alarming rate. How is that humanly possible? How i it possible that the one person who makes me most happy in life can also be the person who hurts me so much and why wasn’t I taught that love is this painful?

If anything, I love you more now and I’ve come up with a theory. It is that it takes hurting the person you love and almost losing them to bring them closer to you and it’s sickening, but it is true. It took you hurting me and me considering packing my bags, even though my love for you is undeniable, to make you realize that you need me just as much as I need you and I’m heavily confused.

The pain you make me feel is akin to the breaking of all my bones and I can’t find it in myself to say I love you any less because it is not true.

I want to push you away from me just as much as I want to pull you in and cry into your neck with your hands wrapped around my back. I hate you, at this moment, just as much as I love you and I feel like my heart and brain are in a whirlwind. My heart a glass castle and my brain the kid who carelessly throws stones in it.

My heart aches for your love and aches because of the pain you cause it and I don’t understand it at all. It is confusing, a labyrinth and I’m exhausted.

Loving you this much and hating you furiously for hurting me at the same time is one of the hardest things I’ve ever felt because there is no way of sorting things out when your mind is this scrambled.