1. Scorpio
What are you rebelling against? Whaddaya got? In fact, what aren’t you rebelling against? When they say, “tomato,” you say, “I don’t like tomatoes.” In every direction you turn, you are at war, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. What the rest of the world doesn’t realize is that they are wrong and you are right. It’s you against the world, and you’re cocky enough to think you’ll win. And you even might do it, because only true rebels can bring about real change—or at least that’s what you tell yourself.
2. Capricorn
Your independent streak is as fierce as a wolf that hasn’t eaten, bathed, or been laid in days. When the GPS tells you to head for Canada, you pull a U-turn and head straight for Mexico. When someone says, “jump,” you fall to the ground. When they say, “Listen to me,” you plug your ears with your fingers and chant “LALALALALALA….” You kick so much ass, it’s a wonder that there are any asses left.
3. Aries
Well, look at you, Contrary Mary! If everyone’s having a nice time, you’ll find a reason to cry. If everyone wants to order Chinese food, you’ll insist on Mexican or you’ll threaten to go on a hunger strike just to spite them. In fact, you’re so predictably rebellious, people learn that the best way to get what they want out of you is to use reverse psychology. That’s why when all your friends finally say, “OK, let’s order Mexican,” you’ll say, “No, I’ve changed my mind, I want Chinese,” and everyone winds up getting what they want anyway.
4. Virgo
You realize that most people are at least a little bit full of shit. Whatever it is that they’re always blabbing on endlessly about is usually so stupid or uninformed that you wonder even if they believe what they’re saying. So at least inwardly, your soul is rebelling against everything they do, say, and represent. Even still, you’d rather walk away than fight. You don’t have time for that nonsense. But if you have to fight, well, you’re pretty good at it.
5. Leo
You don’t even question authority; you ignore it, which pisses off authority even more. It’s like you couldn’t even be bothered to rebel against them, because they you never cared what authority said or thought about you. But what happens if, say, authority starts messing with your life or trying to hurt you? Well, that’s when the pussycat turns to a lion.
6. Cancer
You don’t see anything wrong with being a little rebellious, so long as you don’t act stupid about it. After all, everyone can agree are a lot of dumb rebels out there, waving their arms and screaming at the top of their lungs and always bumping into things and refusing to leave the bar at closing time. Fuck all those idiots. If you’re gonna be a rebel, you make sure it’s for a good cause—you know, things like justice or extra cheese on your pizza.
7. Gemini
You are the twins, so one of you is a rebel and the other is a peacemaker. The rebel twin is always trying to pick a fight with the peacemaker twin. The peacemaker keeps trying to reason with the rebel, but the rebel keeps getting in her face until the peacemaker finally knocks the rebel out with one punch. When the rebel finally regains consciousness, she finally makes peace with the peacemaker—that is, until their next fight, which will be in about an hour.
8. Sagittarius
You ooze natural charm like a maple tree oozes syrup, so you can usually get people to do what you want based on your personality alone. With a wink of your eye and a smile on your lips, you get them to see things your way. This is why you don’t need to be a rebel—because everyone likes you and will do whatever you tell them to do. Who needs rebellion when the war has already been won?
9. Aquarius
You’re too chill and fun-loving to ever bother giving people a hard time. Life is hard enough without always having to complicate things just to be a jerk about it. This is why you, the water-bearer, will carry water for people until they treat you like a servant, at which point you will throw the water on them and block them from all your social media.
10. Taurus
You are more a lamb than a bull. You are more Xanax than Adderall. You are more Gandhi than Muhammad Ali. You are more sunshine than rain. You would rather laugh than yell. You would rather break bread than fight over the loaf. Won’t you please be my friend?
11. Pisces
You’re the type of girl that would put a flower in a soldier’s gun barrel and tell him to call his mother. An old soul, you realize that life is too short, both for petty squabbles and for World Wars. You radiate a natural sweetness that can melt the hardest heart. Even people who want to be pissed off at you find that they just can’t do it. So quit being lazy and help bring about that everlasting world peace everyone’s been waiting for you to deliver on.
12. Libra
You wouldn’t hurt a fly. In fact, you would make sure that fly had food, water, and a warm place to sleep. You’d make sure that fly was reunited with all its family members and posed for selfies on the Fly Family Reunion Instagram Page. And you don’t even like flies—it’s just that you’re sweet as sugar, and flies are drawn to that. 
