I’m Slowly Learning To Forgive Myself

I’m slowly learning how to forgive myself. I’m learning how to not beat myself up at the smallest of things. And how to not care so goddamn much about my wrongdoings.

I’m learning to forgive myself. To forgive myself for falling in love at seventeen. To forgive myself for losing myself in that love. To forgive myself for ignoring my friends and my family for my boyfriend. I’m learning to forgive myself for calling him my person for so long, when there were so many other people I could’ve called my person. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for losing myself along the way.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for all of the regrets. For all of the things I was too scared to even attempt. I’m learning to forgive myself for the kisses I never took a chance on, for the people who I ignored, for the hugs I only half heartedly embraced.

I’m slowly learning how to forgive myself for my anxiety. For the overthinking and the questions that race around and around my brain. I’m learning to forgive myself for the nights I couldn’t go out because my heart was pounding so damn fast. I’m learning to forgive myself for the times I canceled. For the times I lied and said I wasn’t feeling well.

I’m slowly learning how to forgive myself for my mistakes. I’m learning to forgive myself for the mess ups that caused others to hurt. I’m forgiving myself for the times where I defended myself instead of owning up to my errors. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for the times I betrayed friends or hurt their feelings.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for all the times I was selfish. For the times where I put other people down instead of lifting them up. I’m forgiving myself for the times when I judged people without knowing them. I’m slowly starting to forgive myself for the days and nights where I ignored everyone, because I was too tired to pick up the phone.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for the times I treated my body like it didn’t matter. For stuffing it with the wrong foods and nutrients. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for hating my stretch marks and extra pounds of weight I have to carry. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for being human.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for all of the pain and the suffering I have caused myself and others. I’m forgiving myself for the things I never said, or the things I said that left a mark. I’m forgiving myself for dismissing someone who I really loved and for breaking other people’s hearts because I was scared. I’m slowly learning how to forgive myself for my past, and for the people in my past who were damaged by my leaving.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for being a person. For failing. For making mistakes. For failing other people and myself. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself breaking. For being overly emotional and sensitive. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for hurting and healing and starting all over again. 

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for being me.