I Admit I Still Think Of You

You texted me the other day. I still don’t understand why. I still haven’t responded.

“Do you still think of me?”

In those quiet moments when the sky is going midnight blue and the last street light has flickered off on my street, I think of you. In the silence of the night only punctuated by crickets, I think of you. In the darkness that promises to be peaceful, listening to my favourite playlist on Spotify, I think of you.

And it isn’t all the time anymore. And it isn’t prolonged periods of pain. And it isn’t moments of “Why is this happening to me” or “I wish there was an alternative universe where none of this happened and we are still together.” No, I have done that. I have done the heartache and the pain and the tears and believe me, I have moved on.

But when someone has taken up permanent residence in a corner of your heart, but been temporary in your life, you will always remember them.

It’s like a tiny chip of glass inside your soul somewhere, always prodding into your skin at the most painful angle, but you can never quite remove it. So you learn to live with the pain.

The way I remember you now and all the memories we shared, doesn’t really hurt so much anymore. I remember them and smile. Because we were so happy once weren’t we? I hope whoever you are with now cheers you on. I hope she make you smile when your anxiety is hitting you hard. I hope she holds you the way I used to hold you when you were hurting and in pain.

And I hope you are kinder to them than you were to me. I hope you understand from the way we lost our love how important it is to be kind to your partner and not take her for granted. I hope you never ever make her feel as broken as you made me feel. You see, I remember. I remember all of that pain, all of that anger we had at each other. The painful way we ended.

So yes. I admit it. I admit I still think of you, hold the memory with gentle fingers, try to wash away our sins over and over again. But I would rather cut out my own tongue and devour it before I ever say your name out loud again.