Ranking The Zodiac Signs By — Oh My God, I Can’t Stop Thinking About How Terrible Everything Is

Aries

(Sometime in March?)
Love is in the air for you! Wow, you should be thrilled that—honestly, guys, I can’t do it. Every time I go on the internet something worse has happened. Twitter is a black hole of anger, my Facebook feed told me I went to high school with white supremacists—I’m exhausted.

Taurus

(Also in March? April, maybe?)
Good luck is coming your way, Taurus! Watch out for the moon though because—did anyone else think the eclipse was the beginning of the end? I’m pretty convinced it should’ve been taken as some kind of Biblical-level warning. Now California is on fire and Houston is under water and Florida might be obliterated—why are people pretending climate change isn’t real? I saw your Facebook status, Josh, what do you mean there’s no evidence? You graduated with an English degree from Rutgers, why are you challenging scientists?

Gemini

(Definitely May)
Aren’t you guys supposed to be evil or something? You know what else is evil? Almost everything happening in the world right now.

Cancer

(I don’t know)
Is it stupid to just stop reading the news because it’s making my brain cry? I read an interview that said Aziz Ansari just, like, escaped to Paris and doesn’t look at the internet and is blissfully ignorant or whatever. Is that fine? Can I do that? I should be informed, right? Oh my god.

Leo

(Hey, this one is me!)
In, like, 2006 I bought my dad a Joel Osteen book (???) that I don’t think he ever read but now I’m so angry about it. Angry about spending money on Osteen’s book, not about my dad not reading it. Probably, if anything, it was foreshadowing.

Virgo

(Ugh)
Who is even left in the White House at this point? Who is supervising this?

Libra

(Is this even a real sign? I have NEVER heard of this word until I wrote this)
The last time I was this stressed about the constant stream of bad news was when I discovered the local news station in third grade and after watching a story about a family who died of carbon monoxide poisoning I freaked out so much over it that my parents told me I wasn’t allowed to watch the news anymore or even listen to the news or even talk to anyone at school about the news.

Scorpio

(No idea)
You guys are also supposed to be evil, right? See: Gemini.

Sagittarius

(This one I know has to do with December because Heidi Priebe is a well known Sagittarius)
Why the fuck isn’t Jared Kushner in jail yet?

Capricorn

(January?)
Okay, okay, I’m going to be serious again. Hello Capricorns! Sunshine-y and fun lil guys! You are so strong and smart and probably some of you are DACA recipients and does anyone else feel like crying all the time?

Aquarius

(THERE ARE SO MANY ZODIAC SIGNS)
What is Jeff Sessions’s zodiac sign? Does anyone know? What about Betsy DeVos?

Pisces

(I cried writing this whole thing)
Every Pisces is waiting for more information on Russia to come out. I know it.