It costs too much to miss you.

Every part of me just wants to call you and tell you that I miss you but it’s too expensive to do so. To call you and tell you that I miss you would cost me my pride, my dignity and what’s left of my self-respect. I know you. You are the type who smiles at others misfortune, who laughs at others true feelings. You derive a twisted thrill from seeing other people come undone. Especially those who you think are doing better than you. I had the misfortune of loving you and you smiled because you knew that those who love you only drown in the sea of regret. You lure them in with your love only to leave them stranded on an island of their own emotions. You left me alone to tend to my own wounded heart. You were always a wave never shore.

I am through pretending I am lost without you because I am actually quite found. I found so many things when I lost you. I found my peace of mind, my power, my joy and my ability to love. Out of all those things I take great pride in finding my ability to love and my sense of loyalty even in the face of uncertainty. I was loyal love. I was a reflection of God’s love and for this I smile.

Every part of me wants to call you and ask how you are doing and really mean it. Every part of me wants you to be happy yet at the same time every part of me wants you to understand the pain you caused me.

I want you to love a man who does not tell you how he feels but rather acts out his contempt. I want you to love this man and hold him in your heart and have him mutilate your trust and faith and make it hard for you to love again. I already know this will happen because God is not one to be mocked. You will feel the pain you put others through. You will feel it tenfold. For this I feel sorry for you.

I know that missing you makes absolutely no sense and maybe just maybe I miss what you represented- the possibility of a fulfilling life with someone there to share it with. I just wanted to fill in the dashes, the delightful spaces in between the years that tend to creep up and land heavy on a lonely heart.

I wanted you to fill those years, I needed you to fill them but my life did not depend on you filling those years. And for that I find breath and air after being submerged in what I thought was the beginnings of something deep, rich, core shaking. I now realize the ocean I thought your love to be was actually a wading poor awaiting the realization of shallow water. You were just shallow water.

Every part of me wants to call you. But when I think about what it will cost me, I realize that I’d rather miss you than tell you how I feel and run the risk of you not feeling the same. I am done being your supply source, your ego stroke, your validation, your regular power source, the one you come to when you are flailing and feel like less of yourself. I am done being a reminder that you are more because the truth is you are less. You lost me. That is what makes you less and so I’ll miss you until I don’t miss you anymore and then I will file you under meaningless things because eventually all things are eventual.

Eventually I won’t miss you anymore and you will mean less than what I thought you did. For this I am thankful.