A Short List Of Things I Never Told You

1. Every time I kissed you I felt guilty. Even though literal years had passed between him and me and I don’t even know if he would double take at me if we walked by each other, it felt like a tiny betrayal. I could never deicide who was lying. Either you to him by omission, or me to myself by pretending like I didn’t care.

2. I heard what you said when you thought I was asleep and instead of responding, didn’t relax until you started to snore.

3. Also, on that note, you fucking snore. Sleeping with you wasn’t great.

4. I can tell when it’s summer because you start sending me messages that seem like nothing, but are practically dripping with you trying to tell me you miss me, but never actually saying it. And then as soon as September rolls around, you’re like a ghost. Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the reminiscing of what it was like when we were a summer fling, but when the sun starts to set at 9 PM and the temperature climbs above 80, I can count on you to suddenly show up.

5. I wrote you a goodbye letter I never sent. I don’t recognize the girl who wrote it anymore.

6. I was sad to leave, yes, but I think there’s a big part of me that honestly just afraid of change. And so that fear manifested itself as seeming like I was so sad, so broken up about walking away and leaving everything behind. In a way I guess I was sad, but just because change is scary and admitting that is honestly even scarier.

7. I used to think a lot about parallel universes when it came to you and me. But I don’t anymore.

8. You never fit in my bed. And there’s probably a metaphor in that fact somewhere but honestly you just didn’t fit. So with that on top of the snoring the sleeping situation…man it was something.

9. They say that opposites attract but opposites are also opposites. And no one wants to have to continually try to convince someone you’re attracted to that you’re right.

10. Everyone tells me you’re still in love with me. I change the subject.

11. When I thought about you, about us I asked one of our best friends and she just looked at me and said, “What would you even do together?” And that’s when I realized I couldn’t see anything beyond the right-here-right-now with you. So I started backing up, starting putting in boundaries, starting moving on. So maybe it’s her fault or maybe I should tell her thank you.

12. Every time I write about you I feel guilty. And that’s probably never going to stop.