I’m The Girl You Almost Date

I am not the kind of girl who boys daydream about before they fall asleep.

I am not the kind of girl who boys get sweaty palms and fidgeting fingers around.

I am not the kind of girl who causes butterflies.

I am not the kind of girl you tell your family about.

I am not the kind of girl you ask your friends for advice about.

I am not the kind of girl who inspires you to settle down.

I am not the kind of girl anyone wants to be with for longer than a few weeks.

I am the girl who gets trapped inside of almost relationships. The girl who is good enough for now, but not good enough for forever.

I am the girl you flirt with whenever I happen to be around, but never go out of your way to see.

I am the girl you only text at two in the morning, and never at ten in the morning.

I am the girl you invite over when you don’t have anything better to do that day.

I am the girl you want to have fun with, but don’t actually want to date. 

I am the girl you want to fool around with for a while until someone you can actually imagine calling your girlfriend comes along.

I am the girl who is stupid enough to give out chances to boys who will abuse them. The girl who so badly wants to be loved that she keeps handing her whole heart over to people who don’t deserve even a sliver of it.

I am the girl who always gets stuck in almost relationships. I always end up interested in boys who think of me as a way to pass the time, and nothing more. 

The cycle repeats every time I fall for someone new. I like them. I think they like me. I think our relationship is headed somewhere. And then they prove me wrong.

I spend all of my energy on them, texting them and complimenting them and kissing them, only for them to walk away. To say they aren’t ready for a relationship. To say that they’ve decided to date someone else.

My effort never pays off. No one cares how much I’m trying. No one cares that I would have done anything for them, that I would have treated them right.

No one worries about hurting a girl like me. No one apologizes for leading me on. No one thinks that I mind having strangers rotate in and out of my life.

They think it’s okay to stay with me until my use runs out. They think it’s okay to steal pieces of my soul and scamper away.

I am not the girl who gets a happily every after. I am not the girl with romantic stories to tell. 

I am the girl who can list off the names of boys I almost dated, the boys I thought wanted to be with me too and then chose someone else.

I am the girl who almost gets what she wants, and then has it all torn away at the last second.

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.