Four Sentences On How It Ended

I don’t think I’d ever describe myself as LOUD and I asked Kendra what she thought and she told me that I’m only loud when I’m trying to say something I think is important (additionally, but unrelated: also when I’m drunk and/or heated)—and the only reason why I was asking her this in the first place is because towards The End I was entirely silent, and I can’t tell if that’s a fault of my overall character or telling of how numb I was to everything that was happening.

Growing up, I had trouble saying goodbye to things and places and especially people, and sometimes I would have to collect myself and pause and really force the images of these things and places and people I was saying goodbye to into my memory in order to make the whole experience tolerable—I am terrified of forgetting things and my mind is stuffed with goodbyes and thoughts of “this might be the last time I see this”—but I didn’t realize that we were saying goodbye and I didn’t consider that this might be the last time I see you, so I didn’t take down any notes or imprint any images and I stayed entirely quiet.

I feel like I should’ve been LOUDER because I definitely had a lot of things to say that I think are important—or at least, as I was leaving, I should’ve taken a couple mental images to replay over and over in my head until I feel dizzy and sick with nostalgia and regret—but instead I stayed silent and didn’t look at anything in particular and don’t even remember enough basic details to accurately play what happened over and over.

And that’s what I’ve always been worried might happen and I’m sad it happened with you.