Aries: March 21st – April 19th

You would be arrested for arson. When you’re angry, it’s impossible to calm you down. You scream and curse and flip your shit. Even after the argument is over and the dust has settled, you’re skilled at holding grudges. That’s why your anger would get the best of you and you would burn someone’s motherfucking house down.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th

You would be arrested for stalking — and then later on, for violating your restraining order. You’re the kind of person who needs closure after a breakup. If you don’t get it, you act out. You’ll double text them and scroll through their social media and even show up at their front door. You’ll do anything to figure out why they didn’t want to be with you.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th

You would be arrested for burglary. You’re smart, observant. After watching a house for a few hours, you would figure out exactly how to sneak inside and it wouldn’t take long for you to find where the valuables were hidden. You would be able to analyze your environment in a way most people never could.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd

You would be arrested for public intoxication. You have trouble dealing with your emotions, especially sadness, so if you lost a job or lost the love of your life, you would turn to alcohol. You would drink all of your pain away — until a cop showed up and snapped handcuffs across your wrists.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd

You would be arrested for prostitution. You’re proud of your looks and like showing off your body. Plus, you’re always broke, so if you had the chance to make a few hundred dollars by sleeping with someone, you wouldn’t hesitate. It’s easy money.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd

You would be arrested for hijacking. You’re hard working, a natural problem solver. So if you put your mind to it, you would be able to get away with anything. Besides, you like to save money, so the only way you’d ever get to drive a Lambo is by ‘borrowing’ it for a while.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd

You would be arrested for computer hacking. Let’s be honest, you spend most of your time staring at a screen. You feel the most comfortable when you’re behind a keyboard, so after a little practice, you’d be able to virtually break into anyplace you wanted. You would be unstoppable.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st

You would be arrested for serial murders. You’re manipulative, so you would be able to get away with your crimes for a while with your wit and charm. You would be the last person that anyone suspected, because you’re smart enough not to leave anything behind at a crime scene and to cover your own tracks.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st

You would be arrested for indecent exposure. There’s nothing you love more than having sex, and if you found someone willing to do it with you in the middle of the beach or on the hood of a police car, you wouldn’t be able to say no.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th

You would be arrested for battery. You don’t have a short temper, but when someone manages to piss you off, they really piss you off. Most of the time you walk away from fights, but when you’re in the right mood, you could beat the living hell out of someone. You could make them regret ever meeting you.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th

You would be arrested for vandalism. You’re an artist, so to you, spray painting the side of a building is a public service, not a crime. You would do it to make the town look more beautiful, not to hurt anyone.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th

You would be arrested for drug dealing. You know everyone in town, so you have a million numbers in your phone. And you know how to convince other people to like you (or to buy from you). It would be beyond easy for you to find customers. You’re a born businessman.

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.