I feel like an idiot, because I misinterpreted everything that happened between us. All of the extra long hugs, the late nights spent talking, the kisses against cheeks. All of those compliments you gave me and times you held me close. I thought they meant that you felt the same way — but they only meant you wanted to have some fun.

I feel like an idiot, because I told my best friends and my parents all about you. I talked about you like we were already a couple, like they were going to get to meet you soon, like we would get to go out on double dates. And now, I’m stuck explaining to them that you’re gone, that you decided you were better off without me.

I feel like an idiot, because I thought what we had was real. I thought you meant all of those sweet things that you said, about how you thought I was cute and how you missed me when we spent too long apart. I thought that we were just taking things slow, but would eventually make our relationship official. I thought it was only a matter of time before you became my boyfriend.

I feel like an idiot, because I dressed up for you, I sent cute messages to you, I spent a shit ton of time trying to impress you — and it was all for nothing.

I feel like an idiot, because I fell in love with someone that I wasn’t even dating. Because I pictured our future together before we even had a present.

I feel like an idiot, because I still talk about you to everyone I know, but I bet my name never comes up in your conversations. I’m sure whatever girl you’re seeing now has no idea that I exist. If I ran into you two, you’d introduce me as a friend, nothing more, because I’m not even an ex. I mean nothing to you.

I feel like an idiot, because everything I believed was a lie. You never wanted me the way I wanted you. You never planned on turning me into anything more than a friend.

I feel like an idiot, because even now that I know you were only using me to pass the time, I still having feelings for you. I still daydream about you before bed and get the urge to text you. I still wish you gave me a chance to be your girlfriend.

I feel like an idiot, because I keep blaming myself for what happened, even though I know I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault that you decided to leave. I didn’t chase you away. You willingly left when you knew there was another option, that you could have had me forever.

I feel like an idiot, because I invested all of my time and effort into a relationship that didn’t technically exist — but it felt so real to me. 

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.