Why Letting Go Of Someone Who Was Never Yours Is The Worst Kind Of Heartbreak

It’s the hardest thing in the world. Never mind an ex boyfriend or an ex best friend, to let go of an almost lover is the most painful heartache you will ever feel.

It’s the worst kind of heartbreak because you never got to call them yours. You never got to kiss them in public. You never got to share your darkest and deepest secrets with one another. You never got to show him or her off.

You never got to truly be with them.

Almost relationships are the most painful when they end because they are exactly that — ‘almosts’.

And the painful thing about it is that you are left in the dark, wondering what you could’ve done differently. Wondering what you could have done to change their mind. To change their heart. To make them stay.

And you are left to lick your wounds from someone who you never could even call your person or your other half. Because it might’ve felt like it, it might’ve felt like you were that close, but were you?

When you were with them you were always questioning what you said and did. You were always on edge, preparing for them to take off like they said they would. They told you they didn’t do relationships. That they didn’t do serious.

But you wanted serious.

The whole time you were convinced that you would be their right person. And that you would be the person to make a difference. To change their perception of relationships and being committed to just one person. You were convinced that you were different from the rest. And that you could make them fall in love with you.

So you fell. But they didn’t.

When they kissed you, they thought of kissing other people’s lips. When they hugged you and talked with you, you weren’t the only one. And when you made love, they were just having sex. But in your head, you thought that maybe if you were good enough, that maybe if you were beautiful enough, they would choose you.

But they never did. And here you are, lying on the ground, wondering what went wrong. And here you are missing someone who you could never even call yours. And here you are hopelessly loving someone who didn’t even have the guts to truly get to know you and be with you.

It’s a terrible feeling when you realize that you were never going to change their ways. You were never going to make him or her love you, no matter how god damn hard you tried. And you were never going to make them stay.

Because almost lovers aren’t the kind of people who you can count on. Almost lovers aren’t the kind of people who you can give your whole heart to. Because all they are going to do is stomp on it and walk away without remorse.

And your heart is too big and too full to ever love someone who won’t appreciate it’s beauty. And your soul is too wonderful and wise, to ever love someone who you only called an almost.  

Get your copy of Lauren Jarvis-Gibson’s debut poetry collection Paper Hearts here.