A Short List Of Things I Did To Get Over You

1. Refused to talk about you because talking about you meant that I was thinking about you and how are you supposed to get over someone when you’re thinking about them?

2. Could only talk about you. And eventually became a broken record even I was sick of hearing.

3. Stopped eating. Consumed most of my calories from red wine and the occasional bagel only to throw most of it up at 3 AM.

4. Stopped sleeping. Filled the time with scrolling through Tumblr and reblogging things about being depressed while drinking red wine I would inevitably throw up.

5. Entertained the idea that I could fall in love with just anyone. So I played pretend with people who now I don’t know anything about and don’t care to know anything about and who ultimately didn’t even begin to fill the you-sized hole in my chest.

6. So I instead found myself falling in love with absolutely no one.

7. And I fell completely out of love with myself.

8. I started to hate myself. And in hating myself I decided that every shred of the person I was when you loved me needed to go.

9. I lost 15 pounds. From a combination of red wine, not eating, not sleeping, and literally attempting to run away from my problems.

10. I drank enough to kill someone. And maybe subconsciously a tiny part of me was hoping that it would.

11. I gave myself bangs. I cut my hair. I dyed my hair from brown to red to black to pink to blue to green to grey to back to brown so that no one, especially not you, would be able recognize me.

12. I threw everything I owned in a truck and spent my last 3000 dollars moving 8 hours away from everything that could possibly remind me of you, and of me, and of everything I didn’t want to be anymore.

13. Completely fell apart in this new city. I would frequently sit on the floor of my closet just thoroughly convinced that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and I couldn’t even really blame you for it. It was all my fault.

14. Started writing.

15. Started to remember what it was like to have a purpose outside of just going through the motions and existing.

16. Gained all of those 15 pounds and then some. Felt wildly uncomfortable in my body. Refused to wear bikinis or bandage skirts or anything sexy because frankly, I didn’t feel that way anymore.

17. Decided it would be better to be strong than skinny. So I focused on that instead.

18. Found a career in a completely unexpected way in a completely unexpected field and began to really be able to see myself not only living, but thriving.

19. I completely stopped talking to people who served no purpose in my life. Even if they’d once been incredibly important to me. Because sometimes to grow you have to let things go. Even when it hurts.

20. I let go.

21. And watched myself fall out of love with you.

22. And watched myself be okay with it.

23. I gave myself permission to be someone completely unlike anyone I’d ever been before.

24. I decided change was maybe not just okay, but necessary.

25. I bleached my hair to a blonde that’s so bright and light it’s almost white and I look nothing like the person who used to think she wasn’t complete without you.

26. And I’ve decided I might be able to love her. Maybe not right away. Maybe not today. But someday.

27. And I think that’s enough.