Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

“I’m sorry, your email must’ve landed my Spam folder” (“I’ve seen all your emails and I didn’t feel like replying”

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

“That colourful outfit compliments your hair!” (“Oh God, you look like a carrot”)

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

“I’ve been meditating all afternoon” (“I’ve been sitting in bed doing nothing, gazing at the ceiling, wondering why my life is in such a rut”)

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

“I feel so intense about this” (“I’m dying with anxiety”)

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

“This place looks fantastic” (“I wonder if there’s a place in hell for bad interior design”)

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

“Of course I enjoy working on this project” (“I wonder if I can call in sick tomorrow”).

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

“I met someone else” (“I didn’t, I just don’t like you”)

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

“I have to run home and finish that paperwork now” (“I just want to be left alone”)

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

“My therapist says I should focus more on myself” (“I can’t listen to your problems anymore”)

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

“I’m in a weird place in my life right now” (“I don’t want to date you”)

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

“I can’t concentrate on two things at a time” (“I can, but you’re not one of them”)

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

“Don’t worry, I’ll get back to you when the time comes” (“You’ll never hear from me again”)