I’m Sorry I Had To Choose Myself Over You

I am sitting beside someone I love while writing this piece. This is about me and our story.

I love you.

No. I loved you because I am choosing myself over you. Not that I’m selfish but because you don’t feel the same. I don’t want to hope anymore that the “us” would ever happen between us. It feels like a hopeless case where I love you and you don’t even know. It hurts knowing that there could be the “us” but it would never happen — you won’t never feel the same way. I am not selfish, right? By choosing myself over you?

I am on the verge of crying while writing every word because you were beside me — unconsciously, writing too about Jesus Christ’s saving miracle and redemption for all His people while here I am, not paying attention to our pastor, writing about our story. I hope I could save myself from loving you. I pray that there is redemption of all the energy I loss. I wish I am writing a better story and not this. A romance novel that was never made in the first place.

Right now, you are wearing your white rubber shoes, faded blue jeans, and your midnight blue t-shirt. Your messy hair that honest to God I want to smell and touch with my hands — how smooth it could be between the spaces of my fingers. I am writing about you and me for the last time because I am letting you go. I am choosing myself over you. I will put you back to the place where you belong — to that someone who is always wishing upon the stars and praying to God that the “us” would finally be with the both of you.

I won’t block the driveway to your soul and heart. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to go instead of letting you go. I am moving on so you could move on too.

I am choosing myself over you because I also need to feel whole again.

I thought by loving you would make me whole but unfortunately, that is not the case. Loving someone doesn’t complete you — it cuts you in half because you are giving a part of yourself for that someone.

I want to be whole again.

So for now, I am taking back what it is always mine.

I would miss you; your hair, your big dark brown eyes, your unbelievable long lashes, your lips that I want to kiss forever, your laughter that strip away my worries, your nakedness when you smile at me — unknowingly making me feel like a lost puppy.

But it’s okay, right? By missing you? It is natural to miss someone you loved. It’s okay to self-inflict pain, right? Or probably not.

I hope soon you could meet that someone. I know you will because I know you’re praying for this person too. Not like me who loves to read, or someone filled with emptiness. A sad writer who writes about unrequited love and unconfessed lust. A tortured soul — waiting to be save from himself.

Do me a favor, please be happy.

I chose myself over you because I know you deserve someone better. And somehow, I chose myself while also choosing you.