When You Aren’t The ‘Chill Girl’ (And You Don’t Really Want To Be)

I’ve always been the type to feel incredibly deeply. And while that fact has pros and cons, I would rather feel loudly, than nothing at all. I’d rather be the ‘uncool’ and the ‘unchill’ girl, than be somebody who pretends that nothing ever bothers them.

I was that girl in kindergarten immediately wanting to go back home with my mom the second the bell rang. I was that girl in third grade who cried every day and had to get switched to a different class. I was that freshman girl in college who would rather spend my weekend writing down my feelings instead of drinking them away. And now I’m still that girl who doesn’t apologize for how I am feeling. And I’m still that girl who would rather write love and heartbreak poems on a saturday night than pretend that everything is peachy.

I tell people when I am in love with them. I fall apart when they tell me they don’t feel the same. I tell people when I am not in love with them. And I fall apart for them.

I write people love poems and let the tears come through. I write essays about heartbreak, and feel it all over again. I write about boys blindsiding me and get angry all over again. I wrote a whole damn book about a boy I lost forever. I feel and I feel over and over again. It’s how I have always been. And I’m glad.

I’m not going to live my life hiding from my own self. I’m not going to store my feelings away neatly in a box, to only take them out when I know it’s safe. I’m not going to wish the sadness, anger, hurt, or happiness away.

In fact, I feel everything so loudly, than I couldn’t even hide it if I wanted to.

Being the ‘chill’ girl is overrated. It’s fake. It’s just a persona. It’s just what people do to shield everyone from their true selves. It’s just a uniform you put on to try to protect yourself from feeling ‘too much’.

And I get it. You don’t want your feelings to kill you. You don’t want those feelings to make you wish you weren’t here. And you don’t want to feel so strongly that it becomes debilitating.

But guess what? You only have one life to live. You only get this one chance.

So, I’d rather be the ‘unchill’ girl than to ever hide from myself. And I’d rather feel everything, than to try to push it all under the rug. Feelings are meant to be felt. Not bottled up, not picked at, or swept away. Because one day, they are going to all come back to haunt you. And you might as well feel it all until they eventually fade from your heart. You might as well feel it all now, instead of watching your volcano of tears and of lies become a ticking time bomb. 

I let my tears water my heart. I let my sadness wash all over my soul. I let that feeling attack my veins and my bones.

And then I pick myself back up. And I heal. And I survive. And I feel again. And I feel alive.